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Morephinn

6 month birthday!

Phinn

Close up

My current wallpaper

More pics

Smilie

Phinnypics

Faces of Phineas

Some goofy faces:


More pictures:






A comparison of a month ago versus today:



Cry baby:

Phinny's "birth" day

As we approach July 4, Phinny's 40th week birthday (and due date), I can tell you that he's doing great developmentally.

- He can focus on someone's face.
- He can lift his head and hold it upright for several seconds.
- He can track objects as they are moved in front of him.
- He coos and makes various vocalizations.
- He can almost roll over - meaning, he has done it once, not sure if I should count that or not.
- He can bring his hands together in front of him.
- He can suck on his hand to sooth himself.

The only thing he's kind of behind in (compared to full-term babies of his age) is laugh and smile. He smiles quite a bit, but it doesn't necessarily smile at someone or because of something - other than tickling his cheek. Sometimes he ACTS happy when I'm about to feed him (like he'll open his mouth, wave his arms breathe fast and heavy, almost like a hearty laugh) but no real laughing or smiling.

Kevin says that maybe he just doesn't think we're all that funny. :)

Phinny update

Hi everyone!

He's been home for about a week now, and he's doing great! He's already gained 5 oz and is hungry all the time. He sleeps well and only cries when he's hungry. He's so cute and I hug and kiss him all the time! What a doll! He is worth everything.

More Phinny

By request, more photos

Very possibly the cutest baby ever

Phinny's face

Update

Hi everyone!!!

Sorry not to keep you updated, but we've been so busy lately! We're a few hours away from the hospital and the driving is KILLING us! We have a "parent's room" at the hospital - but I'll be honest with you, he LAST place my husband and I want to stay is in the hospital. It feels so good to be home.

But let me get to the fantastic news. Phinny is doing GREAT!!!! He came off the ventilator last weekend and has been getting better ever since. He's getting breastmilk now through a feeding tube, and he's off almost all of his medications. He still has some breathing help (a CPAP) but I don't think he really needs it, and I bet they take it off in a day or so. Honestly, he pulls it out all the time, so pretty much any time he's awake he's not on it! The nurse even let me take it off just to take his picture, so obiously her feeling was that it isn't TOO necessary. He will probably be able to come home in a week or so, maybe sooner. Before he goes home he needs to be able to breast/bottle feed (which means he needs to know how to suck and swallow while still breathing) but he already can suck on a pacifier while breathing so I don't think that will be a problem!

I had been struggling with this feeling that I wasn't really connected to Phinny. We didn't really go through the bonding thing, you know? However, when his ventilator finally came out and his sedation was turned down and he started to move and cry for the first time, my heart totally exploded! Now I can't stop thinking about him. :) He's so cute I could practically eat him. I want to play with him all the time. I soooo wish he was here with me.

And I love all the different cries he makes. I haven't heard a real ANGRY cry yet, but he has all these different levels of protest already. He has like a weak, "Ehhh" sound when he's just barely awake but he is slightly upset. And he has a short, quick, "Waah, ehh, hmm" when he's being movied or is irritated. Then of course my favorite, the loud but still calm, "Wah, wah, wah." Just letting you know I don't like this, but I'm not throwing a fit - YET.

And I love his hair. Right now it is medium brown, and it is the softest texture I've ever felt. Rubbing his head is like touching a cloud. There are a few spots on his head where they shaved it in order to put in an IV, so at some angles he looks quite punk rock. But I'm sure it will grow back into the old balding man pattern he had before.

And now when he's asleep I can see him dreaming. He was too zonked out to dream before, I think. His eyes roll around behind his eyelids and he twitches and makes sucking motions. I wonder what he's dreaming about? He can't be dreaming about eating since he's never eaten before really!

I got to change his diaper for the first time today. The nurse was impressed that he didn't cry at all, and she said he always cries when she does it. I honestly don't think there was anything IN the diaper, at least I couldn't see anything, but I did notice a problem. I grabbed both his legs and lifted him up to change him, but his legs were so strong that he kept bending them so his feet touched his butt. I mean, I think he's stronger than me! And when his little butt is very dirty, the feet touching it could pose an additional clean up problem. I'm sure there is a trick that I'll eventually learn through trial and error, but I forsee many poopie socks in my future.

Also, during the last few weeks they were giving him lots of fluids and he was VERY swollen. He was born at 5 lbs 2 ounces and by two weeks old he was up to 6 lbs 6 ounces due to fluids! Now he's lost a LOT of the bloat and he's back down to 5 lbs 13 ounces. He is much smaller and looks like a different baby, but looks much healthier. His face is cuter too. ;)

I guess that's about it for now!

Phineas is here

Here is the update I wrote to send out to people:

On Saturday the baby's heartbeat started showing signs of fetal distress. It would go really high, and then really low - sometimes it sounded like it almost stopped. I was transferred to the labor & delivery floor where they continued to monitor me, but they immediately came to the conclusion that I needed to deliver via emergency c-section right away.

So, off to the OR I went, got a spinal and was in surgery within a matter of minutes. My doctor wasn't there yet, so the "generalist" started the operation. Unfortunately, he cut into my fibroid when opening my uterus (not sure if he HAD to in order to get to the baby, or if it was an accident), and I started to hemorrhage. Luckily, my doctor showed up and took over the operation. He got to the baby and pulled him out feet first, and thus Phineas ("Finny") Gavin Masters was born at 1:44 p.m. on May 14. He weighed 5 lbs, 2 ounces and cried right away, but was very sick.

My doctor made the decision to go ahead and take out my fibroid in order to stop the bleeding. It is very risky to do this to a pregnant uterus because there is so much bleeding, but I appreciate that he did it in order to save my life and to save my uterus. Unfortunately, I lost more than 50% of my blood volume and have needed four liters of blood transfused since the operation. Because the surgery took much longer than anticipated, they had to put me under general anesthesia for the last hour or so of the operation.

Finny was very, very sick when he was born. They immediately had to put him on a ventilator with 100% oxygen, and he was still struggling. Once I woke up from surgery, they took me to the NICU almost right away so I could hold him, because they didn't think he would make it through the night.

Since then, Finny continues to improve, though he has had lots of set backs as well and is considered in critical condition. He is still on a ventilator, but they have started turning down his oxygen levels and have started slowly turning off some of his medications. One of his lungs has collapsed and he has a chest tube in his side to keep it open, but when they can keep it open his blood oxygen levels are very good! We just have to keep the lung open so it can heal and he can keep working toward breathing on his own.

I've had some other problems related to the surgery as well. Not only did I have to deal with problems associated with so much blood loss, but it I've been getting these really horrible headaches, apparently associated with the spinal they did. I haven't been able to eat pretty much since the surgery, but just today they've got me on some medication that is helping - and I'm finally able to think enough to talk on the phone and get on the computer. Hopefully the headaches go away soon and I will finally be released from the hospital.

Kevin and I have arranged for a "parents" room at the hospital where Finny is, so we can be close to him during these next important few days. From what I understand, the room has an internet connection and a flat-screen TV, so it could be a big improvement over the crappy room where I've spend the last 13 weeks!

Kevin and I thank everyone for your continued thoughts and prayers. I will try to keep everyone updated on Finny's condition, and I'll try to get a picture out as soon as possible. He looks just like me.

Christine
pPROMMED at 20 weeks, 13 weeks strict bedrest, delivered at 32w5d

32 week update

Here is my 32 week update:

Hi everyone!

As you may remember, my water broke at 20 weeks and I've been on strict bedrest in the hospital ever since.

I hit 32 weeks yesterday and I'm estatic. I'm still leaking a lot of fluid, but my fluid levels have been much higher the last month or so (from under 2 afi to over 4 & 5 afi every time).

I haven't really had any problems yet, no bleeding, cramping, infection, or pain. I still haven't had one contraction (knock on wood)!

The last 12 weeks I've been on strict bedrest with no bathroom privledges, but now I'm finally getting up. It was exhausting at first, my muscles were so weak, but already after a few days of getting up I have built back some muscle tone. I've even taken a shower and washed my hair! (With no conditioner though, it looked so horrible afterwards!) I need a serious trip to the salon - my roots are VERY dark (usually they lighten significantly in the sun) and sprinkled with quite a bit of grey! It's slightly depressing. I think the trip to my hairdresser will be one of my first outings!

Last week, at 31 weeks, the baby supposedly weighed 4 lbs 1 oz, which is in the 60th percentile. We hope he weighs 5 lbs or so when he's born! Hopefully this will limit the amount of time he spends in the NICU.

I had been having lots of eating problems recently. I'm a vegetarian which limits what I can eat already, plus I have a pregnancy-related gagging problem. Now, I've eaten the same food so often (and thrown it back up) that it literally makes me sick to think about eating it. Almost every time they bring me a tray of food I throw up. So, I've started having restaraunt food delivered to my room! It is expensive, but it is the only way I can eat. I usually can order enough that it will last me for lunch and dinner. And I figure I only have 13 or so days left (WOOO HOOOOO!!!) so it is worth it to spend the money.

The other problem I've had is a high heart rate. It goes up to 120 - 130 sometimes (once it was 145!). At first the thought it was hyperthyroidism or Grave's disease, but after having some blood tests they decided that's not it. So now they don't really know what's going on, but I think it is just that my heart is out of shape. I just want to try to keep the heart rate as low as possible so the doctor's don't freak out. A few times when my HR was high the spoke about delivery (thinking it might be an indicator of infection).

And, to top it all off, I think I'm getting allergies, or maybe a cold. My nose is running LIKE CRAZY and I'm coughing and sneezing a lot. They are going to give me some bendryl today and see if that helps. I hope something helps because I'm pretty miserable.

As to my medical care, we didn't do a second round of steroids (did one round at 24 weeks) because they thought I could make it to 32, and they said at 32 it wasn't as necessary. They don't plan on doing any lung maturity tests, they want to just deliver at 34 no matter what. I'm going to ask if they will do some lung maturit tests around 34, and see if I can wait a few more days if the lungs are NOT mature, but they've said no so far.

Anyway, that's about it! Just counting down the last 13 days!

Apres 30

Things I have not done in 10 weeks:
- Stood up
- Taken a shower
- Washed my hair
- Used a toilet
- Felt the sun on my face
- Pet my cats
- Worn make-up
- Worn underwear
- Made my own food
- Driven a car
- Gone to a movie
- Eaten dinner at a restaurant
- Hugged Kevin standing up
- Seen my house
- Been to work
- Worn shoes
- Woken up to an alarm clock
- Gone to the grocery store

Good things about my current situation:
- I get to hear the baby's heartbeat 4 times a day
- I get to see the baby on ultrasound once a week
- I'm more popular at work
- I'm allowed to take a nap whenever I feel like it
- I can watch People's Court every day
- I've gotten into a lot of new TV shows
- I can concentrate on the baby - how he's kicking, how he's moving, etc.
- I get to talk to my parents almost every day
- I can almost see the bottom of my belly button for the first time
- Everyone keeps telling me I'm doing such a good job and am a miracle, blah blah
- It's almost over!

So anyway, it's Week 30 and I'm still ticking.

The baby is getting so big, I can feel his little body sticking out of my stomach. Sometimes he moves from side to side, and the lump migrates across my body and it is really uncomfortable because I can feel my guts moving around.

I've stood up two times now - amazingly, I can still walk and stand up on my own! It is quite taxing though, and standing up for 5 minutes was quite a work out. I was slighly out of breath afterwards and my calves were sore. That's good though, it means I should actually gain a little muscle.

It was quite incredible to see my stomach sticking out while standing - I've never seen that before! My stomach is SOOO big!

Anyway, not much else is going on! I guess I should write about the fact that my heart rate was kind of high so they tested me for hyperthyroidism. Of course, as always, I was one point outside of the normal range so they decided I had Grave's Disease. I started taking a medication, PTU, and the doctor's were happy because it seemed my heart rate was stabilizing. Then today they show up and say that they took another test and now I'm slightly hypothyrod. So they said I DON'T have Grave's Disease, and it must be something else. Yay, I guess! Now I get to stop taking PTU. So it means my heart rate being high and subsequently stabilizing has nothing to do with my thyroid and nothing to do with the medication.

Oh well, I'll write more later.

The day it happened

It was a normal OB appointment, at 12:30 in the afternoon. That morning I had gone on a sales call, and had actually sold an ad to a local college! And to think - my fluid was leaking out the entire time. I was wearing a large pad, but didn't experience a huge amount of leakage. Of course, there wasn't much leakage because at that point the amniotic sack was totally empty.

Kevin and I went to the doctor's office, and after waiting a few minutes they brought us in. They wanted me to pee in a cup at first (to check protein levels or something), but I said that I thought they should check out my fluid first, to see what it was. If I went to the bathroom there might be nothing for them to check.

So, we went into an office and the OB came in. She did a speculum examination, and was taking some of the fluid for examination. Still believing or hoping that this was a normal pregnancy symptom, I said, "Is it normal to have this amount of vaginal leakage?" And in a horse voice she said, "No." And that was it. She knew it was bad at that point. But I still was hoping it would come out Ok. I had to be something OTHER than my water breaking. That just doesn't happen at 20 weeks.

I hadn't eaten at all that morning and was starting to feel sick. So while the OB and the nurse were running tests on my fluid, I remembered I had a bag of Jello Cherry fruit snacks in my jacket pocket. Unfortunately, it too had ruptured, and many fruit snacks were in the bottom of my pocket (which is coated in some sort of unexplained sand from somewhere). It was kind of gross, so I was trying to figure out what else I could find to eat when the OB came back in, looking grim. I'm not sure where my jacket is now, Kevin must have taken it home. But those fruit snacks must still be in there.

She said it was amniotic fluid, and she expected me to go into labor within the next 24 hours. I asked her if it meant the baby was already dead, and she said no. I didn't know the baby could survive without water! I asked if the baby would be alive when I delivered, how quickly would it die? She said it depended on the baby. I asked what was the chances for us to have a baby at this point. She said 5%. We didn't ask many other questions. I was very serious, trying to find out what was going on and yet trying not to think about what was really happening. Kevin's face was horrible. I could tell he was absolutely crushed and was holding back tears.

But, for now, she wanted to get me to labor and delivery as soon as possible. I should go IMMEDIATELY to the hospital. Do not register. Do not wait in any lines. Do not pass Go. The doctor said she would meet us at the hospital later.

As we walked out, one of the nurses was on the phone with Community Hospital, letting them know I was on my way. I remember her saying something about "premature rupture." Her voice was low and serious.

We stepped outside and I walked out the door ahead of Kevin. I grabbed his hand and said I was sorry. He said it wasn't my fault and we squeezed hands.

When we got into the car, I started talking about our 5% chance. It was SOMETHING. I don't think Kevin said anything. Then I said something like, I can't believe this is happening. And I started to cry a little bit. Kevin begged me not to cry, and I knew that I had to try to be strong to help him keep it together.

He dropped me off in front of the hospital, and I asked people where Labor & Delivery was. I got some instructions and started to follow them, but I kept getting lost and having to ask someone else. It was hard for me to concentrate. Every time I would be walking alone down the hall, I kept thinking, "This can't be happening." And my eyes would start to water. But I'd have to try to pull it together to ask someone else where I was going.

I came to this steel door that was locked. I asked someone how to get to Labor & Delivery but she didn't know, she thought it was through the door. How do I get through the locked door? We stood there for a few minutes trying to figure it out, and eventually we got buzzed in or something.

Now I was walking down the hall in the labor area. But I still didn't know where to go. At this point, Kevin caught up with me (did he already register? I guess I don't really know). We passed a nurses station, and Kevin said we should go back and ask them where to go. But on our way back a nurse came up and asked if I was Christine Masters. Then we followed her back to one of the rooms.

They gave me a hospital gown and sent me to the bathroom to get changed. While in there, I looked at myself in the mirror. I had started crying again a little bit, and I told myself to stop. My face was red.

I put on the gown and put my clothes into a large plastic bag that they gave me. I looked at the bathroom and thought that it wasn't too bad. It was pretty big and seemed clean. I wouldn't go in there again though.

I went over to the bed and they were changing the sheets, I think. Kevin was standing there. I hadn't tied my gown behind me, so I held it closed in back so I didn't show my butt to everyone. I didn't know it then, but this would be the last time I would stand up for several weeks.

I got into the bed and they put me in the tradelenburg position, with my head lower than my feet (to take pressure off the cervix and to reduce leakage). They did an ultrasound and we saw the baby in there - he was alive and doing well, but there was no visible fluid. Good news and bad news.

They tried to put me on a toco monitor, but they couldn't find the baby's heartbeat (with the fibroid it was too hard to find at such an early gestational age). They were going to leave the toco on me to measure contrations, but it was really uncomfortable (it was pressing right on the fibroid) so they let me take it off if I promised I'd let them know if I felt any contractions.

Honestly, I don't remember what else happened for a while. At some point the doctor came and she had printed out these statistics regarding our chances to have a baby. She said she knew we were "researchers" and we would want to know the exact numbers. Again, we had a 5% to 10% chance. 80% of women go into labor in the first week after a rupture, most within the first 24 hours. 90% go into labor within 2 weeks. I kept reminding the doctor, however, that it had already been 24 hours since my water broke. So that was a small ray of hope. It didn't seem to cheer up the doctor though, she was very grim.

Kevin went home at some point. He told my boss at work either that day or the next day. He said she put her face in her hands and said something about me being stressed out. Which is totally true - the week before I was SO stressed because we had an online blitz. I don't think that caused the rupture, but I do think that the stress may have caused me not to eat or drink correctly, and that probably caused the bladder infection, which then may have caused the rupture.

Later, when I was alone, I called my mom and dad and told them of the situation. Both calls were very teary.

I couldn't sleep at all. I had a horrible headache from being in the trandelenburg position and they woudn't let me eat anything. I was SOOOO hungry. I was on IV antibiotics and fluids, which made me a little sick to my stomach. They offered to give me a sleeping pill, but I didn't want to hurt the baby more than I needed to.

At some point during the night, I finally let myself cry. I didn't cry too hard, because that would have made my headache much worse! But I kept asking why this was happening to me. Why was having a baby SO hard? We had fertility problems, then expensive fertility treatments, then bleeding at the beginning of the pregnancy, then I was sick, then the bladder infection, then THIS. No one wants a baby more than me - how is it fair that I must endure this?

24 weeks is the viability date, and I kept thinking of that time. I remember praying HARD that I wanted to be transported in the future to the 24 week point. I just wanted to skip over the horrible month of uncertainty. I couldn't stand not knowing what was going to happen.

I also tried to prepare myself for the worst. It was very likely that I would go into labor and my baby would come out alive. It would not be viable and there would be no attempt to save it. It would eventually suffocate from lack of oxygen and die - if it came out alive, that is.

I spoke with Kevin about this possibility. I wanted to prepare him that the baby would probably be alive and we would want to hold him. Kevin didn't think he could handle seeing the baby, and he especially felt that he couldn't sit there while the baby died, but I felt it was important to say goodbye. Actually I saw an ER episode where the lady's baby was born dead and she refused to see it. All of the nurses begged her because they said that if she didn't have some closure and see her baby, she would never be able to forgive herself. So I tried to convince Kevin that it was extremely important that he see the baby. I also had Kevin buy a camera so we could take pictures of the baby when it came out. We also prepared ourselves for the fact that if I went into labor while Kevin was at home in Lowell, he might miss the whole process (with such a small baby, it might come out very quickly).

And, since we didn't know the sex, we'd have to find out when the baby came out. Then we'd have to think about a name. And perhaps a funeral. What do we do about a funeral?

I also tried to think ahead and figure out what to do in the future. I planned on getting the damed fibroid removed, and I would try really hard to lose weight. Then, hopefully we'd be able to conceive without fertility treatments. There was a plan, and I felt better that there was a plan. Life would go on. I would survive.

Now, sitting here at almost 29 weeks, that day doesn't seem very far away. It seems like it was 2 weeks ago. Time has passed so quickly. If you look toward the future, it seems very far away. But if you look backwards, it passes so quickly!

That's what I think about now - looking forward to week 30, then week 32, then week 34. Next week will go by quickly as well, and then I will be at week 30. Then it will be no time until week 32. Then I will be doing a lot of preparations for having the baby... asking about lung maturity, the baby's weight, c-section or vaginal delivery. If they do a c-section, how will they make sure they don't cut through the fibroid? With the baby up so high in my uterus, what kind of cut will they have to make? We have to make sure we have a car seat and a breast bump, diapers and clothes. It will be a busy time.

I can't wait until that time. I wish I could be teleported to the future to week 34. But, unfortunately it doesn't work that way. Instead, I'm going to try to remain busy, keep working, keep preparing for baby to come.

In a few weeks I will post again, and I will talk about how at week 29 I had wished so badly to find out the outcome of all this waiting. At that point in the future I will actually know the outcome. I hope it is a good one.

28 weeks & 4 days

Here is an update from my message boards:

Hi everyone!

Thanks again for asking about me. :) I'm still here on strict bedrest, just about to go into week 29! Right now the outlook for my son (wow, that sounds so strange saying that!) is very good - he could have some severe lung problems due to lack of fluid, but it looks like I'll be able to make it to week 34. Only 5 more weeks to go!!!

I've had absolutely no problems whatsoever... no bleeding, no contractions, no infections, no pain - everything is great.

I think the isolation is making me a TINY bit nutty though... I've caught myself talking to myself a few times, and last time my husband came out, I was talking about expenses and I just couldn't get the numbers right. I kept saying everything backwards over and over and over. My husband got so frustrated! I hope the damage to my brain is not irreversable. LOL.

I do feel, though, that my baby is here with me all the time. When he kicks me I say hello and ask what he's doing. Whatcha doing, baby? Sometimes it feels like he's jogging along the top of my uterus! But, even though he never really answers my questions, he is still great company.

This last week went by REALLY fast, so I'm hoping the next 5 weeks will fly by and be uneventful. I'm starting to feel a little bit rushed because we've bought nothing for the baby yet, and we need so many things. He will for sure be a preemie and preemies - even healthy ones - require more attention. Everything needs to be sterilized, he requires breastmilk, needs to sleep closer to me, etc. I can't wait until he comes home with me!

Thanks to whomever suggested that I get delivery food in the hospital! I've ordered salads and sandwiches a few times now! I want to try not to waste too much money, but there are days when I just cannot eat the hospital food.

Thanks again, and I'll update y'all at week 30 or so. :D

Random Stories

- So Kevin called me at like 10:30 at night, and I was awoken from a dead sleep. Here is our conversation, as Kevin tells it.

Me: Oh sorry, I didn't mean to wake you.
You: Oh I wasn't sleeping, I was getting the baby's heart beat.
Me: Really, the nurse is there?
You: No I was doing it myself.
Me: You're on a non stress test?
You: No, I have a thing.
Me: What thing? They left a doppler? That's odd.
You: No, not a doppler, a thing, you don't have to have a nurse.
Me: Are you still asleep?
You: No!
Me: Are you sure? You're not making any sense.
You: No I'm not asleep, I'm really taking the heatbeat now, I have a thing.
Me: What thing?
You: It's a thing.....Ummmm.....you know.
Me: Okay, get some sleep. Bye.
You: No don't go, I'm wide awake and want to talk to you.
Me: No you're not.
You: Yes I am.

- So I've been watching "Charmed." Right when I got to the hospital - Chis Perry, Piper's son from the future - came back through time to help keep his older brother from turning evil. And let me tell you, Chris (played by actor Drew Fuller) is a total fox!

So I started watching every day, and Chris just got cuter and cuter! I started having romantic dreams about him. Like we were sitting next to eachother and our knees were almost touching, stuff like that. Nothing sexual, don't worry!

Anyway, unfortunately, Chris was killed last night. :( Yes, it was killed trying to save his brother, the whole reason he had come back through time in the first place.

I've known for a while that he was going to die - I read it on a web site somewhere (after all, I'm watching re-runs). So each day as we found out more and more about Chris, I knew his time was coming to and end. Finally, Gideon shows up in one of the shows. I had read that Gideon had killed Chris, so I knew time was running out. I watched each episode with baited breath, knowing Chris' death was coming soon.

And finally last night, while a storm raged on outside my window (I'm not including that information to be dramatic, but rather because I almost lost the satellite signal several times), Chris was finally killed by Gideon. It was actually very sad and I cried a little.

Now, my unhealthy obsession with this character must end, because I will never see him again. I can only wait until one of the other time slots on TNT who plays Charmed reruns gets to the point where Chris again comes back through time.

Although of course I will have to watch the whole time knowing that he eventually dies. It's all too sad.

- Here is how I'm thinking about the remainer of my bedrest time.

I've already been on bedrest for 7 weeks, and I have 7 left to go. So I'm now at a halfway point. That's cause for a YAY. :)

You see, I'm 26.5 weeks along right now. It's a little more than a week until I hit 27 weeks. Once I hit 27 weeks, it's only one week until 28, which is great!

But when I get to 28 weeks, it's just 2 more weeks until 30, which is really amazing.

But of course once I get to 30, it is only 4 weeks until 34! I can definitely do that. :)

So you see, when you break things down, it is practically no time at all until my target date!

Week 26!

Wow, I am now officially at Week 26. That's amazing.

I'm so greedy though. I want to make 28 for sure, and I REALLY hope for 30. But, really, 30 kind of sucks and what I REALLY, REALLY want is 35. At 35 there is a good chance that the baby will breathe fine and not end up in the NICU. He might just go home with us! He would weigh like 4 or 5 pounds! How amazing would that be, after all of this worrying and waiting and hoping and praying.

I have these odd dreams all the time now... I'll have a dream that I'm out doing something, like, say, walking down the street. Then, suddenly I remember that I should be on strict bedrest, so I panic and then end up laying down on the sidewalk.

Last night I was dreaming that I was going back to college to finish my bachelor's. I was in a dorm room looking over my class schedule, and I thought about how I needed to buy school supplies and was so excited about that. I was going to buy some cute little folders and matching pens. Then, I realized I was supposed to be on bedrest so I quickly laid down flat on the floor. I will have to order the folders and pens online, I thought, since I can't get up. :)

Our current favorite name for the baby is Phineas. It was always one of my favorite names since I read the book "A Separate Peace." I loved Finny in that book. So when Kevin said it was his favorite name, it really stuck with me too. It is an odd name, difficult to pull off, but if anyone can do it - it is our baby. I hope Finny isn't mad at us in the future for using such a name. :)

Here is an update that I posted on one of my message boards:

Everything seems to be going remarkably well! I've had a few scares due to my white blood cell count going up and down, but today it is back down again so it looks like my count is just fluctuating, rather than a sign of an infection building up.

I've been having an ultrasound every 2 weeks, and I had one on Monday. The baby looks great - we saw a little penis, so it is definitely a boy! He weighs almost 2 pounds at this point, and there was a little more amniotic fluid than I normally have (AFI 3.7). We could actually see the baby opening and closing his mouth to drink! So that's a great sign.

I'm still having some problems with my appetite... first I'm a vegetarian, and second I'm pregnant. So it is really difficult for me to eat hospital food all the time. I still throw up now and then, and the doctors offered me Zofran but I refused. I don't feel I throw up enough to make it worth it.

Unfortunately I'm in a hospital almost 2 hours away from home, so it is difficult for my husband to bring me food. He has brought me snacks, which really helps. I now have some food from each of the food groups: salty snacks, chocolate snacks and sweet candy snacks. Yesterday he brought me the sweet candy, and included were some Jolly Ranger lollipops. Oh man, an apple Jolly Ranger lollipop must have been one of the best things I've ever tasted.

He also brought me pizza one time. It was a little cold, but it was so incredibly delicious. I feel like my stomach has shrunken so much so it is difficult to eat much all at once, but I ate so much pizza I thought I would explode! It was great though. Good times.

I also feel the baby kicking all the time now. He's doing a new thing recently - a slow kick, like a stretch. It looks so funny because you can see my blankets and everything move up slowly, then back down. I'm sitting here laying down all the time, so it is very easy to pay attention to all the kicking.

I started Heprin shots a week and a half ago, meant to reduce blood clots. I have to get a shot twice a day, every day. I don't mind being stuck by needles, I'm getting to be a pro at that, but man, the medicine going in really STINGS. But, hey, it's worth it. The last thing in the world I need is a bloodclot!

Quick update - 24 weeks!

Hello there!

I'm 24 weeks today, and so excited! Some adorable women were asking about me on one of my message boards, so I gave them a quick update. I figure I'll use it here as well to save some typing time. :)

Hi everyone!

I have good news! Everything is going great and I hit 24 weeks today, after one month of strict bedrest. 24 weeks is the viability cut off point, so my baby has more than 50% chance of survival at this point, and it gets better every day.

I SOOOO appreciate you guys asking about me - I actually have been busy with work! I worked 26 hours last week while laying almost totally flat on my hospital bed. It really helps me pass the time and not feel guilty about missing work (I'm the head of my department so I want to stay involved).

At this point, there is no reason - other than if I contract an infection - that I can't go another 2 months with this baby. My doctor wants me to make it to 34 weeks now. I really feel I can make it.

I'm sick of sitting in bed, but honestly I'm not doing too bad at all. I'm on another mailing list with ladies who are on bedrest, and some of them are totally going bonkers. Me, I think I'm naturally a lazy hermit if left to my own resources, so lots of the time I've actually very comfortable. I can take a nap any damn time I want, I can use my computer and work or play video games or chat on message boards ALL NIGHT then sleep all day! Once a day or so I have a moment where I feel whiney because I want to do something else - usually when there is nothing good on TV. But, mostly I'm OK.

I have lost some weight since being in the hospital, and I had lost about 10 pounds before my water broke as well, so I think I've lost like 25 pounds at this point. So now I have to drink Ensure Plus and some extra snacks to try to gain more weight. Honestly, I don't want to gain too much weight because I have a fibroid and my stomach is already so huge, the last thing I want to do is add a layer of fat on there. Also, I'm worried about gestational diabetes, which would suck for a premature baby (which I will almost certainly have). But anyway, I don't want to lose a bunch of weight either, so I'm trying to eat what I can, when I can.

I got my first round of steroid shots today and yesterday, so that will really help the baby if something goes wrong. I also had the first of my now daily non stress tests, where they monitor the baby's heartbeat for 30 minutes. He passed with huge flying colors. The nurse said that his heartbeat was basically as good as it can possibly be. So that was really exciting. And I loved the test... I just sat there listening to my baby's heartbeat and I sang quietly for a while, and then I talked to him about some random things at the end. His heartbeat actually went up a little when I was talking, so I know he was hearing me.

I also had a big ultrasound last weeks and everything looks really good, other than the fact that my fibroid is growin (20 cm now) and the baby still has very little fluid (AFI 2.0). But, everything else couldn't be better! She didn't actually see a penis, but she was pretty sure she saw a scrotum, so she says it is 80% chance a boy.

Anyway, thanks again for asking about me! You guys are so wonderful. I will keep you updated if anything happens.

Christine

The excitement of laying flat

So here I am, laying flat on my back for the 11th day.

This has been a tough day for me for some reason. I don't have any of my passwords from work so I can't do much work. Kevin is sick, so he can't see me or bring me anything. It's Sunday, so thereis nothing good on TV.

But yet here I must lie to save you, baby. So far I think I've done OK. I feel much better on most days. Today is just rough.

I so wish Kevin wasn't sick so I could at least talk to him on the phone. Everytime I call him he ends up coughing really bad and I have to hang up. Luckily I can still talk to my mom and dad, and they've been really great.

I can feel you kicking much more now. Especially after I eat. You like it when I eat, I guess. :) The rush of sugar and nutrition after being hungry for a while. The kicking is the highlight of my day.

I'm starting to get pissed at the hospital too. They keep messing up my food day after day. I'll have a baked potato for lunch, but they don't bring any butter or sour cream. So, I ask them to bring it and it takes like 1.5 hours. It sucks. Why can't they get it right when I type out specific directions?

If Kevin was healthy, he could bring me some food. I already asked him if he could bring me my favorite pizza after work some day. Oh my god, thinking about it right now makes my mouth water. Their salad is so good too. It's just nice, clean, fresh-cut lettuce, big shreds of mozzerella cheese, and italian dressing. That's it! But it is so good. And the pizza itself is heavenly. The sauce is sweet, which is why Kevin doesn't like it, but I LOVE it. I want some of that pizza so bad. I can almost taste it.

So, tomorrow my doctor said she was going to call the University of Chicago and see what services they offer for someone in my situation. I had asked her about an experimental procedure called amnioinfusion, where they refill the sac with water every week (because it usually just spills out again) but she said that since she never did it before, she wouldn't feel comfortable doing it to me.

But, she did say that since I wanted to be more "agressive" then she would call the university and see what services they offer that might be more beneficial to me. Of course, I also have to see what my insurance covers. But I hope that they can at least give some interesting advice.

Oh well, Enterprise is on, so I guess I'm going to watch that. I tried watching the Oscars but it was horribly boring. Chris Rock wasn't even that funny.

Good by for now...

White blood cells...

Yesterday the doctor came in and said that my white blood cell count was slightly elevated and that it was a concern. She said that if she saw my white blood cell count going higher a week ago, she would have taken the baby. So, this was serious.

But, all we could do to was wait until today and see what happened.

Well the good news is that my white blood cell count did not go higher, it stayed the same. So, that means they won't induce pregnancy today.

She did say that some of my white blood cell counts have been the same - slightly elevated - the entire time I've been in the hospital. That means I do have SOME kind of infection, but it also means that it isn't getting any worse. I have had a sinus infection for about a year now, and I asked her if that could be responsible for my elevated count, and she said that was possible.

Just imagine - they may have almost taken my baby because of a sinus infection!

The thing that really bothers me is that if my numbers do go up, I have to make a choice to take the baby in order to possibly save my life. I already spoke to my doctor that it would take a LOT to make me feel justified in taking my baby's life when I can feel him/her kicking and moving around inside of me.

The nurses always say, "We want to save the baby of course, but YOU are the important thing. You can always have another baby."

But the thing they don't understand is that I spend almost $10,000 on fertility treatments in order to get pregnant, and I have a huge fibroid that I will have to remove once this pregnancy is over (which could backfire and I could lose my uterus). So, really, I may not be able to have another baby. This may be my only chance. I don't want to die here, but I'm just saying that it will take a lot to convice me to take my baby out so early! Especially when I'm just a few weeks away from viability!

Anyway, that's what's going on with me. I feel pretty confident that my elevated white blood cell count is due to some OTHER infection, other than a uterine infection, so I hope I can just keep laying here, growing my baby.

Bad news

About a week and a half ago, I felt some leakage that was really odd. I brushed it off until I went to bed and there was a gush of liquid. When I called the doctor they said it was too early for amniotic fluid, and it was probably urine or vaginal secretions. But I can tell urine when I see it!

Anyway, the next day I had an appointment with my OB at 12:30 so I just waited until then. The OB checked me and unfortunately found that indeed my water had broken and she said I had to go to the hospital immediately. Don't even stop to register, go straight to Labor and Delivery.

The OB expected that the bladder infection I had probably spread to the uterus, damaged the membranes and caused a rupture. There was a great probability that I would go into labor within 24 hours. Of course, at 20 weeks, the baby would not survive. She would not try to stop labor with drugs because there was probably a subclinical infection that could hurt me.

So 24 hours passed. I was on full bedrest with bedpan and in the trandelenburg position (a backwards angle on the bed so my head is closer to the floor). Fortunately, I never went into labor.

Then the OB said that 80% of women will go into labor within one week. So, I stayed on full bedrest in a modified trandelenburg position for the full week. Still no labor!

Now, we're planning what will happen in the coming months. At 24 weeks, they will look closely at the baby and see if being in the womb with no water is hurting him/her. The neonatologist said that at 24 weeks, it might be better to take the baby and let him develop on the outside because being in the womb with no water can cause deformities.

Of course, a 24 weeker is VERY scary, and there is a high chance of having problems. The neonatologist felt that I had a good chance though, because I was already in the hospital in a situation he could control.

But, of course, I hope that I get some fluid back (have gotten 2.0 fluid back so far, but doesn't seem to be getting higher than that). And I hope that they let me keep the baby past 24 weeks.

At this point, all I can do is lay flat and hope that everything turns out alright.

Right now, I'm just a few days away from hitting 22 weeks. I hope I can keep this baby, we went through so much to get pregnant!

Stay with me sweetie!

Week 20 update!

Dear Baby,

You and I must feel like crap lately. I'm just assuming that because I feel so horrible, you must be getting at least some misery hormones from me that cross the placenta.

Saturday night I went to the E.R. because of a urinary tract infection. They gave me some medication and I went home. I felt better the next morning, but by Sunday night I was writhing in pain again, even worse than before. So, not knowing what to do, I went back to the E.R. yet again. This time it was like 4 a.m. and there was no doctor on duty, so they basically made we wait in the hospital until the doctor came in at 7:30. I was in really bad pain and couldn't sit still, constantly moving around in pain. I was SOOOO frustrated at being made to wait. Then, finally when the doctor gets there, she says that I'm having bladder spasms and tells me to get this over the counter medication. WTF? Why couldn't you just tell me that and send me home? It was pretty obvious what was happening!

Then Sunday I finally started feeling better, but still couldn't get to sleep because I was so constipated due to the medication (or perhaps due to the fact that I was sick and wasn't eating). Note that I hadn't slept since Saturday!

Finally, after being up all night in pain from constipation, everything got better. I'm feeling so much better now, even though I'm a little sore in my abdomen and now I have a headache.

I have my week 20 OB appointment tomorrow. I'm excited, but I've lost about 12 pounds since my last visit a month ago, so I hope that isn't too bad for you. We'll see if she thinks it is OK because I was already overweight, or if she yells at me because it is too bad for you.

Oh well. I'm looking forward to my "big" ultrasound, where they will hopefully be able to tell if you're a boy or a girl. That will be fun to find out! That should happen next week or maybe the week after. Not sure how long it will take to make an appointment.

Also, I'm pretty sure I felt you kick for the first time! I've felt some "odd" feelings off and on, but now I'm pretty sure that's you that I'm feeling. I haven't really felt anything for the last few days because I was so sick - I was feeling all kinds of odd things! Anyway, it is my impression that you tend to kick me whenever I do something that kind of squooshes my belly. Like standing up or bending over. I think it is funny because I can imagine it is part of your personality - when you don't like something you'll let me know! I think that's great, and I love to think of you developing inside me, growing your own little personality.

Well, I think I'm going to go take a bath and then go to bed early. I hope you're happy that we're both feeling better now, and I hope we both get some nice rest tonight! :)

Love,

Mom

My misbehavin' bladder

Dear Baby,

When I saw you last night, you seemed to be oblivious to the fact I was writhing in pain. You were just sitting there, laying on your side (you're always laying on your side, I bet you'll like that when you're born) and wiggling your butt now and then. So cute, as always.

Anyway, you were ok. That was the main thing. *I* was in pain. So we had to figure out why. The pain had started sometime the day before at work. I was uncomfortable, like I had menstral cramps. And it just kept getting worse, slowly. I told a few people at work about it, and they said that it was probably "growing pains" - very common in pregnancy. I agreed at the time.

So I went home and waited. I went to bed and was able to sleep most of the night, but kept waking up because I was too uncomfortable. By the next day, I was still in pain, and was unable to sit in one spot for more than like 15 seconds. After doing some research on the internet, I figured it could be round ligament pain (or growing pains) or it could be a uterine tract infection. If it was a UTI, it could quickly become a kidney infection and that could be dangerous for you. Also, if it was a UTI, they could give me medication to get rid of it!

So Kevin and I went to the E.R. It was about 11:00 pm and we were both already tired. But, if it was a UTI, it would be important to go.

Once we got there, they first wanted to confirm that you were OK and that I wasn't in pre-term labor. They used a doppler to try to find the heartbeat, but, as always couldn't find it. Then they used the ultrasound machine and found you right away. There you were, wiggling your little butt.

Then they checked my cervix and everything was fine there too! So, luckily, no preterm labor.

I then peed in a cup and had to wait like an hour and a half to get the results. During that time Kevin and I watched a show about Jeffrey Dahmer, and I stood around and danced in pain, unable to sit still because I was so uncomfortable. Finally, at like 1:30 am, the nurse came in and said I had a UTI. "Boo," and "yay" at the same time. :) UTIs suck, but that means I could treat it and it would get better fast.

Anyway, we got the prescription, got it filled at an all-night Walgreens, and I downed a pill while we were still in the car. I also took some Tylenol PM to help me sleep. Neither helped much until about 5 am when I was finally able to sit in one place long enough to fall asleep.

This morning I feel a lot better. I still have some uncomfortable pain in my bladder, and I have to pee a lot, but at least I can do stuff.

The other problem that I've been having is that I can't eat anything! I've lost like 8 pounds in the last month. I just get full so quickly. We ordered pizza the other day, and I ate one slice before I got full. Hopefully this doesn't affect you! I'm making sure that I take my vitamins, and I'm going to get some nutritional shakes to eat in the morning as well. That should really help.

Anyway, other than THAT, everything is great. :) I'm glad you're still OK, baby, and I look forward to seeing you in a few months!

Love,

Mom

18 weeks

Hi Baby,

Tomorrow is the magical date. 18 weeks. It's a big milestone because it is typically a cutoff point for miscarriages - at this point, you're almost certainly having a baby. Of course, nasty things can happen. Premature birth. A knot in the umbilical cord (don't let that happen, please!). Etc. But, those things are rare.

I have to deal with the fact, however, that I have this giant fibroid. And it is probably growing. So far, it isn't caused any problems other than me being bigger than I should be - the OB said I measured 20 weeks when at the time I was 16.5 weeks.

The ultrasound technician also said that given the current location of the fibroid, there would be no way to have a natural childbirth. However, you will continue to grow, so I'm hoping that you push the bugger out of the way. Before I got pregnant the fibroid was in a good location (at the top of the uterus, out of the way) but now that you're growing inside, you've pushed everything over. It is also possible that I have new fibroids growing, in new locations. Well, we'll see. Though I want a vagnial childbirth, I want you to be heathly even MORE.

Another quick note - I had by Alfa-fetal proteins checked at 16 weeks as well. This test checks for Down's Syndrom, Spina Bifida and other problems. The normal result is that you have a 1 in 2000 chance of getting those things. If you get a 1 in 2000 result, they don't do any further testing for those things. If you get an "elevated risk" result (like 1 in 200) then they will do further testing, leading up to an amniocentisis. However, my results were 1 in 5000! Yes, a very good result. So, it is very, very likely that you don't have any of those things. And we shall test for them no more.

I bought a slew of maternity clothing yesterday. Yes, at work I told my boss I was pregnant (on, I think, Tuesday) and through the rest of the week I told others here and there. So the word is out. I'm now the pregnant chick at work. So, I'm free to wear maternity clothing (whereas since I was hiding the pregnancy before, I had to cover up and just wear fat clothing). I bought some stuff online in one particular size that fit me a few months ago, but once I got the stuff, even though I haven't gained any weight since then, it doesn't fit me now. So I had to get a bigger size. It kind of freaks me out because that means that I'm not getting fatter - it's YOU who are making my clothes not fit. Or maybe the fibroid? Ugh. Oh well. I thought that maternity clothes were supposed to grow with you or something? Like, they were supposed to accomodate a giant belly? Well, whatever, they fit for now. Hopefully I won't have to go buy MORE clothes later on. If that happens, I'll probably just end up wearing t-shirts all the time to work. How inappropriate.

Work is going pretty well though. I got a promotion and am now in charge of the department. I get to hire two new employees who will report to me. I have a few applicants who are REALLY good - but, unfortunately, I may not be able to pay enough to get them. The company has a set price in mind for each position, but I'm going to try to see if they'll pay more for really good people. It will be fun having a staff again. I used to have like 5 people reporting to me and I think I was really good. Everyone had their daily assigned job duties, but I would give everyone extracurricular duties as well, like investigating a solution for our archives or revamping something on the web site. It worked really well that way.

Anyway, how am I feeling? Okay, I guess, considering. I have pregnancy rhinitis - which basically means a stuffy nose (this is VERY common). Not only do I have a stuff nose, but my sinuses are swollen (again, very common) and the two don't go well together. Basically, this means that I have a constantly stuffed up nose. So stuffed up that I can't breath through my nose at all, most of the time. This wouldn't be so bad except that I can't breath through my mouth when I'm sleeping (I'm not sure if that's true for everyone or just me) so it makes it really hard to get good sleep. If, for whatever reason, my nose clears up a little bit, I try to run and go take a nap (if I can).

The other problem the runny nose causes is that during the day I have a lot of mucous running down my throat. First, this triggers my gag reflex (which is going CRAZZZEEEE these days) so if it gets bad I have to blow my nose immediately, or I risk throwing up. Second, the mucous gets in my stomach and makes me even more queasy than I already am. So, these two things combined means that I actually feel a little sicker than I did when I actually had morning sickness. There are frequent times throughout the day when something will make me gag or when I need to blow my nose and I have to struggle not to throw up.

And, of course, the gag reflex thing makes it hard to brush my teeth. Unfortunately, I have a little obsession about brushing my teeth really well, and also my tongue. I can't go to work if I haven't brushed my tongue - it's like not brushing my teeth at all. It's gross. The problem is that when I brush my tongue I always tread dangerously close to throwing up, and have, in fact, on several occasions, thrown up into the sink after trying to brush my tongue. But, it is not something I can compromise on. My tongue must be brushed.

Anyway, I have another ultrasound in two weeks. This will be the big one where they look at you very closely and measure everything to make sure everything is in the right place and there are no problems we need to worry about. This is also the best time to tell the sex. So, I beg of you to please try to get into a good position so we can see your, uh, private parts, ok? Usually you're so modest. But hey, just this once, let it all hang out!

Oh, one more thing before I go (my nose has just cleared up quite a bit and I want to run upstairs and see if I can get some sleep). I LOVED seeing you at my last ultrasound! When we went to the OB at 16 weeks, she couldn't find your heartbeat on the doppler (again!) so we were off to get another emergency ultrasound to make sure you were still alive.

So we go to the hospital and the lady starts checking me. Her wand is going all over my belly, up and down everywhere, and she doesn't say anything for quite a while. Finally I ask, "Did you find the baby?" "Yes," she answers, "it is up here" while pointing to a spot to the right of my belly button. "Did you see a heartbeat?" "No," she says, and pauses for a long, terrible moment. "But I did see the baby moving a lot." Phew! So everything was okay.

At the end of the appointment Kevin got to come in and we both got a chance to look at you. You were curled up in a ball, facing downwards, with your head looking away (so we couldn't get a cute profile shot). However, you were moving more than we had ever seen before. You would curl up into a ball, and then stretch your legs out behind you, kind of like you felt cramped. I felt a little bad because if you feel cramped at 16 weeks, how is it going to be at 35 weeks! Then, there was another time when you stretched out your arms, and then slowly and deliberately brought your hand up to your face. You were probably sucking your thumb, though we couldn't actually see that. We could just see that you were holding your hand up to your mouth. God, it was so cute. It was just like an old baby with slow, deliberate movements. You know when babies are born they flail their little arms around and they have no control - it is because they are not yet used to being out of the liquid environment of the womb. But, inside the womb you've got great control, and you look just like a real baby. Well, you ARE a real baby, I guess, but you know what I mean, right?

That ultrasound session has really changed your dad, as well. He said he almost cried, seeing you move around in there. (I didn't even come close to crying, isn't that odd? As emotional and as easy to tear as I am? It just still doesn't seem real to me, I guess.) Now, he is treating me like I'm pregnant. I'm not allowed to carry anything. I'm not allowed to walk in the snow. I'm not allowed to drive place by myself. It's cute, most of the time. Man, I love your dad so much!

Anyway, I gotta go. Going to try to go back to bed. I love you baby, and I can't wait to meet you. Just a few more months to go! Hang in there!

Love,

Mom