The day it happened

It was a normal OB appointment, at 12:30 in the afternoon. That morning I had gone on a sales call, and had actually sold an ad to a local college! And to think - my fluid was leaking out the entire time. I was wearing a large pad, but didn't experience a huge amount of leakage. Of course, there wasn't much leakage because at that point the amniotic sack was totally empty.

Kevin and I went to the doctor's office, and after waiting a few minutes they brought us in. They wanted me to pee in a cup at first (to check protein levels or something), but I said that I thought they should check out my fluid first, to see what it was. If I went to the bathroom there might be nothing for them to check.

So, we went into an office and the OB came in. She did a speculum examination, and was taking some of the fluid for examination. Still believing or hoping that this was a normal pregnancy symptom, I said, "Is it normal to have this amount of vaginal leakage?" And in a horse voice she said, "No." And that was it. She knew it was bad at that point. But I still was hoping it would come out Ok. I had to be something OTHER than my water breaking. That just doesn't happen at 20 weeks.

I hadn't eaten at all that morning and was starting to feel sick. So while the OB and the nurse were running tests on my fluid, I remembered I had a bag of Jello Cherry fruit snacks in my jacket pocket. Unfortunately, it too had ruptured, and many fruit snacks were in the bottom of my pocket (which is coated in some sort of unexplained sand from somewhere). It was kind of gross, so I was trying to figure out what else I could find to eat when the OB came back in, looking grim. I'm not sure where my jacket is now, Kevin must have taken it home. But those fruit snacks must still be in there.

She said it was amniotic fluid, and she expected me to go into labor within the next 24 hours. I asked her if it meant the baby was already dead, and she said no. I didn't know the baby could survive without water! I asked if the baby would be alive when I delivered, how quickly would it die? She said it depended on the baby. I asked what was the chances for us to have a baby at this point. She said 5%. We didn't ask many other questions. I was very serious, trying to find out what was going on and yet trying not to think about what was really happening. Kevin's face was horrible. I could tell he was absolutely crushed and was holding back tears.

But, for now, she wanted to get me to labor and delivery as soon as possible. I should go IMMEDIATELY to the hospital. Do not register. Do not wait in any lines. Do not pass Go. The doctor said she would meet us at the hospital later.

As we walked out, one of the nurses was on the phone with Community Hospital, letting them know I was on my way. I remember her saying something about "premature rupture." Her voice was low and serious.

We stepped outside and I walked out the door ahead of Kevin. I grabbed his hand and said I was sorry. He said it wasn't my fault and we squeezed hands.

When we got into the car, I started talking about our 5% chance. It was SOMETHING. I don't think Kevin said anything. Then I said something like, I can't believe this is happening. And I started to cry a little bit. Kevin begged me not to cry, and I knew that I had to try to be strong to help him keep it together.

He dropped me off in front of the hospital, and I asked people where Labor & Delivery was. I got some instructions and started to follow them, but I kept getting lost and having to ask someone else. It was hard for me to concentrate. Every time I would be walking alone down the hall, I kept thinking, "This can't be happening." And my eyes would start to water. But I'd have to try to pull it together to ask someone else where I was going.

I came to this steel door that was locked. I asked someone how to get to Labor & Delivery but she didn't know, she thought it was through the door. How do I get through the locked door? We stood there for a few minutes trying to figure it out, and eventually we got buzzed in or something.

Now I was walking down the hall in the labor area. But I still didn't know where to go. At this point, Kevin caught up with me (did he already register? I guess I don't really know). We passed a nurses station, and Kevin said we should go back and ask them where to go. But on our way back a nurse came up and asked if I was Christine Masters. Then we followed her back to one of the rooms.

They gave me a hospital gown and sent me to the bathroom to get changed. While in there, I looked at myself in the mirror. I had started crying again a little bit, and I told myself to stop. My face was red.

I put on the gown and put my clothes into a large plastic bag that they gave me. I looked at the bathroom and thought that it wasn't too bad. It was pretty big and seemed clean. I wouldn't go in there again though.

I went over to the bed and they were changing the sheets, I think. Kevin was standing there. I hadn't tied my gown behind me, so I held it closed in back so I didn't show my butt to everyone. I didn't know it then, but this would be the last time I would stand up for several weeks.

I got into the bed and they put me in the tradelenburg position, with my head lower than my feet (to take pressure off the cervix and to reduce leakage). They did an ultrasound and we saw the baby in there - he was alive and doing well, but there was no visible fluid. Good news and bad news.

They tried to put me on a toco monitor, but they couldn't find the baby's heartbeat (with the fibroid it was too hard to find at such an early gestational age). They were going to leave the toco on me to measure contrations, but it was really uncomfortable (it was pressing right on the fibroid) so they let me take it off if I promised I'd let them know if I felt any contractions.

Honestly, I don't remember what else happened for a while. At some point the doctor came and she had printed out these statistics regarding our chances to have a baby. She said she knew we were "researchers" and we would want to know the exact numbers. Again, we had a 5% to 10% chance. 80% of women go into labor in the first week after a rupture, most within the first 24 hours. 90% go into labor within 2 weeks. I kept reminding the doctor, however, that it had already been 24 hours since my water broke. So that was a small ray of hope. It didn't seem to cheer up the doctor though, she was very grim.

Kevin went home at some point. He told my boss at work either that day or the next day. He said she put her face in her hands and said something about me being stressed out. Which is totally true - the week before I was SO stressed because we had an online blitz. I don't think that caused the rupture, but I do think that the stress may have caused me not to eat or drink correctly, and that probably caused the bladder infection, which then may have caused the rupture.

Later, when I was alone, I called my mom and dad and told them of the situation. Both calls were very teary.

I couldn't sleep at all. I had a horrible headache from being in the trandelenburg position and they woudn't let me eat anything. I was SOOOO hungry. I was on IV antibiotics and fluids, which made me a little sick to my stomach. They offered to give me a sleeping pill, but I didn't want to hurt the baby more than I needed to.

At some point during the night, I finally let myself cry. I didn't cry too hard, because that would have made my headache much worse! But I kept asking why this was happening to me. Why was having a baby SO hard? We had fertility problems, then expensive fertility treatments, then bleeding at the beginning of the pregnancy, then I was sick, then the bladder infection, then THIS. No one wants a baby more than me - how is it fair that I must endure this?

24 weeks is the viability date, and I kept thinking of that time. I remember praying HARD that I wanted to be transported in the future to the 24 week point. I just wanted to skip over the horrible month of uncertainty. I couldn't stand not knowing what was going to happen.

I also tried to prepare myself for the worst. It was very likely that I would go into labor and my baby would come out alive. It would not be viable and there would be no attempt to save it. It would eventually suffocate from lack of oxygen and die - if it came out alive, that is.

I spoke with Kevin about this possibility. I wanted to prepare him that the baby would probably be alive and we would want to hold him. Kevin didn't think he could handle seeing the baby, and he especially felt that he couldn't sit there while the baby died, but I felt it was important to say goodbye. Actually I saw an ER episode where the lady's baby was born dead and she refused to see it. All of the nurses begged her because they said that if she didn't have some closure and see her baby, she would never be able to forgive herself. So I tried to convince Kevin that it was extremely important that he see the baby. I also had Kevin buy a camera so we could take pictures of the baby when it came out. We also prepared ourselves for the fact that if I went into labor while Kevin was at home in Lowell, he might miss the whole process (with such a small baby, it might come out very quickly).

And, since we didn't know the sex, we'd have to find out when the baby came out. Then we'd have to think about a name. And perhaps a funeral. What do we do about a funeral?

I also tried to think ahead and figure out what to do in the future. I planned on getting the damed fibroid removed, and I would try really hard to lose weight. Then, hopefully we'd be able to conceive without fertility treatments. There was a plan, and I felt better that there was a plan. Life would go on. I would survive.

Now, sitting here at almost 29 weeks, that day doesn't seem very far away. It seems like it was 2 weeks ago. Time has passed so quickly. If you look toward the future, it seems very far away. But if you look backwards, it passes so quickly!

That's what I think about now - looking forward to week 30, then week 32, then week 34. Next week will go by quickly as well, and then I will be at week 30. Then it will be no time until week 32. Then I will be doing a lot of preparations for having the baby... asking about lung maturity, the baby's weight, c-section or vaginal delivery. If they do a c-section, how will they make sure they don't cut through the fibroid? With the baby up so high in my uterus, what kind of cut will they have to make? We have to make sure we have a car seat and a breast bump, diapers and clothes. It will be a busy time.

I can't wait until that time. I wish I could be teleported to the future to week 34. But, unfortunately it doesn't work that way. Instead, I'm going to try to remain busy, keep working, keep preparing for baby to come.

In a few weeks I will post again, and I will talk about how at week 29 I had wished so badly to find out the outcome of all this waiting. At that point in the future I will actually know the outcome. I hope it is a good one.