New picture

Don't have much time to post, but here is a new picture! 12 weeks and 3 days.

This time you measured 13 weeks, you always measure ahead. Such an overachiever.

Maybe you'll be born on my mom's birthday afterall. :) But I'm sticking with July 4th as the due date for now anyway!

First OB appointment

Pregnancy Day: 76 (10w6d)
Gestational Age: 62 days (8w6d)

Dear Baby,

It's funny, looking back through my last entry, how tired I must have been when I wrote that. But unfortunately, I went to bed that night and just layed there. I couldn't sleep! It was terrible. I probably slept 2 hours.

Needless to say, the next day at work was terrible. I felt sick all day and so tired. Luckily I was very busy at work so the day went by quickly.

Anyway, so I went to my first appointment with my new OB. She's very pretty and young, and seems to have a good understanding of the most recent medical techniques. For example, I talked to her about my situation with progesterone and how the other doctor told me how (and when) I should stop taking it, and she kind of shrugged and said, "That's fine. The most recent medical evidence shows that progesterone doesn't really hurt or help anyway."

She also felt my tummy and could definitely feel the fibroid there. She was a little surprised it was so big, I think, even though I told her the measurements already.

The funniest part of the appointment was when she checked my cervix. We had talked about my bleeding problems for quite a while already (she was very concerned) so I was anxious to hear what she saw when she looked in there. Happily, she said my cervix was totally normal, and there was no blood to be seen anywhere! Then, she ran a q-tip across my cervix (to get cells for a pap-smear) and she said there was blood on the q-tip. That confirms it - my cervix bleeds at the mere slightest touch. So vaginal ultrasounds or progesterone supplements will easily cause bleeding. A sensitive cervix is not a problem and is very common so at this point I have nothing to worry about.

I was very relieved! This means that there was no bleeding from inside the uterus at all - it was all my cervix. And it is all normal. Yay!

For about two weeks, I haven't had any bleeding at all, but I had a little tiny bit today. It could be from my OB appointment, or it could be just irritation from the suppositories. Hopefully, I will be able to stop taking them soon.

I took a blood test on Friday, testing me for various diseases and immunities, and also testing my progesterone. I went off the supplements cold turkey on Thursday, so when I had my blood test on Friday I had been supplement-free for more than 24 hours. The level of progesterone in my blood will tell me if it is safe to stop taking them, or if I need to for a while. I'm pretty confident that it will be fine and I'll be able to stop taking them. It will be a big relief for me!

I have another appointment in two weeks, when I will be 12 weeks and 3 days pregnant. She will attempt to hear your heartbeat on doppler, so that will be fun. After that, I won't get another ultrasound until probably 20 weeks! I was spoiled at the RE, getting an ultrasound once a week. :) I tried to convince her that I needed more ultrasounds because of the fibroid (to monitor its progress) but she didn't think that was necessary until much later in the pregnancy. And she's right.

It was really cute during the appointment, the doctor asked if we had decided on a pediatrician yet. Kevin sat up and smiled, surprised. The doctor asked what was wrong, and he said he was taken off guard by the thought that we would have a child to deal with after all was said and done! I was like, Yeah, that's kind of the point of this pregnancy thing! :) It was so cute.

Anyway I gotta go, I'm trying to finish the laundry. I'm so slow these days, trying not to hurt my back (it's kind of sore) and trying not to squeeze my tummy. There have been a few times when I bent over funny and my lower abdomen hurt for a minute. Don't want to do that anymore!

Talk to you later!

Love,

Mom

So Tired

Pregnancy Day: 70 (10w0d)

Gestational Age: 56 days (8w0d)

Dear Baby,

I'm so freakin' tired. I'm sorry that I haven't posted for 3 weeks (wow, three weeks) but I've been asleep. The. Entire. Time.

I'm almost serious. I wake up, go to work, sleep in the car on the way home, take a 2 - 3 hour nap when I get home, eat dinner, then go to sleep at 10 pm. On the weekends, I will take 2 naps a day. Sometimes, on the ride home, I'll be in the middle of telling Kevin something, and I will fall asleep mid-sentence. It's rude, I know, but what can I do?

The first trimester is almost over though, so this fatigue should get better soon. Wow, the first trimester is almost over! That is like one-third of the way done, and I feel like I just found out about you.

I'll try to give you a quick update on my pregnancy so far:

1. Still bleeding. I had a pretty bad bleeding episode last week, in fact, where a blood clot came out that was the size of a HOCKEY PUCK. Do you know how big that is? Anyway, my doctor said that because I still have absolutely no cramping, it means that the blood clots are not coming from inside my uterus (because if they did, they would definitely cause cramping, they're so big). The doctor thinks that there is just a blood vessel in my uterus that is seeping blood, and the blood slowly drips from my cervix, and pools around my cervix at the back of my vagina (I'm too tired to think of cute words to use instead of vagina, so deal with it. VAGINA.) where it forms clots. The clots then fall out every few days, causing the "bleeding episodes" as I affectionately call them. My doctor thinks that it will stop at around 10 weeks. Which is now! So let's hope it does stop, it will be a big weight off my shoulders. I haven't bled for 3 or 4 days now (but, that's not a record. I've had no bleeding for four days before, just to have one of my worst bleeding episodes on the fifth day).

2. I'm still taking 3 100mg progesterone suppositories a day. Note that this is a little tampon-shaped device that I must stick in three times a day, which then melts and drips out. Lovely, eh? But hey, I'll do whatever it takes if it helps you out.

The doctor wants me to stay on the suppositories until I stop bleeding. Which I hope it soon.

3. I had my last visit with the reproductive endocrinologist (where he told me all about the two things I mentioned, above). He has now pawned me off on a normal OB. It's almost like I'm a normal pregnant woman now! I have my first appointment with her this Thursday. I have a lot to talk about:

a. Bleeding
b. Vegetarian
c. Fibroid
d. Progesterone supplements

Uh, I'm sure there is more, but I'm too tired right now. Did I mention I was tired?

4. Anyway, the new OB's office is right next to my work, so it should make it easy to go to office visits. I have to choose which hospital I want to deliver at (she is associated with several), so over the next month or so I need to tour the hospitals and see which I like best. I want one with a room where the baby can sleep-in, and I want one with the best Level III NeoNatal Intensive Care Unit. So far, none of the three hospitals where I wanted to go have a Level III NICU, so I might end up compromising for a hospital that is associated with another hospital who has a Level III NICU. There is a hospital that I'm leaning towards, because one of the nurses I spoke with said it was SO GREAT and everything was brand new. I like that kind of thing, but I still have to take the tours.

5. Within the next 2 months or so, I have to start thinking about child care options. There is a place right next to work where I'd like to go, but it has a 6-month waiting list. 6 months!? You practically have to put your name on the list before you start trying to conceive.

My idea is that you'll drive with us to work (me and Kevin can switch off driving, so the other one can ride with you in the back seat!), we drop you off at day care, then I can stop by to breastfeed two or three times a day. (The center is maybe a 3 minute drive from work.) Then we drive home together. So really, we'll only be apart for 6 hours a day, during which time you'll probably be sleeping anyway.

6. Cravings... haven't had too many. There are times when everything in the kitchen is hideously disgusting except ONE THING. So I have to eat that one thing. That's not really a craving though, is it? So far, the non-disgusting things have been fruit snacks and veggie burgers.

7. Morning sickness... I had one throwing up episode, but that's it! I've been feeling better recently too, so I'm happy about that. I used to be tired and sick, and now I've traded in the sick for an extra helping of tired.

8. Oh yeah, pictures:



Here is an illustration which looks just like the ultrasound:



You can see the little umbilical cord coming from the stomach, and the little head. Your kind of slouching though, you should stand up straight!

Gotta go to sleep. So tired. Good night.

Food is bad, mkay?

Pregnancy Day: 60 (8w4d)
Gestational Age: 46 days (6w4d)

Here is something I posted on the message boards today, which describes well how I'm feeling:

I can tell I'm hungry, but my stomach is so queasy that I don't feel hungry. Plus, everything in the fridge is disgusting.

I find the only thing I can eat is ice cream and fruit snacks (luckily, I've done pretty well not to only eat those things, but that's all I FEEL like eating). I went out and bought 4 boxes of fruit snacks and 2 gallons of ice cream last night. I feel like I can only eat things that are sweet, clean and cold. For some reason, anything that I feel is "dirty" (like an egg or salad or cheese or anything warm) is really gross.

This morning, I threw up while brushing my teeth, and now I feel like I'm on the permanent verge of throwing up. I don't really feel nausea, per se, just like I feel stuff could come up in my throat. It is really gross and makes me not want to eat.

But, I'm just going to eat what I can, when I can, and keep taking my vitamins! :)

First portrait

Pregnancy Day: 49 (7w0d)
Gestational Age: 35 days (5w0d)

Dear baby,

You have eyes now, and your intestines, hopefully, are starting to migrate from the umbilical cord (where they were originally formed) into your body cavity.

Here are the pictures I have so far:

5 weeks, 4 days


6 weeks, 4 days


6 weeks, 4 days


I had some more bleeding tonight. It is so scary to see blood. I might ask for some blood tests to make sure everything is OK tomorrow. Unless it totally goes away, in which can I can probably last until my next ultrasound on Thursday.

Please stick around, baby. I want to meet you more than anything.

Love,

Mom

Bloodwork and bleeding

Crazy day today.

Had my first ultrasound and saw the gestational sac. HCG was 7,786 and progesterone was 31.

Later, at work, I started to bleed.

It's been about 6 hours since the bleeding started, and it has basically almost come to a stop. There is just a very small spot or two now on the TP.

I have decided that it is because of the vaginal ultrasound. I have a big fibroid, and the tech really had to dig for quite a long time around to see the gestational sac. At first I didn't think that could be it because I've had so many vaginal ultrasounds in the past and never had a problem. However, I've done a lot of research about how the cervix engorges with blood during pregnancy, making it easier for a crazy woman with a wand to make a overly-worried pregnant girl bleed.

I hope I'm right, and that the bleeding doesn't come back. :(

Please stick around, baby.

Happy Halloween, Baby!

Pregnancy Day: 34 (4w6d)
Gestational Age: 20 days (2w6d)

Dear Baby,

Today, the little neighborhood kids came by our house to beg for candy. We got a bunch of miniature candy bars from the grocery store a few days ago, but then your dad ate a bunch of them, so I had to get more earlier today. Then we gave out most of the candy half way through the night, so Kevin had to go get more. :) Fortunately, or maybe unfortunately, almost all of the stuff Kevin got is left, so we'll have a lot of treats over the next few, uh, hours.

So how are you doing in there? You're almost 20 days old now. Wow, in your twenties! You have the beginnings of a brain, bronchial gills and you are no longer just a ball of cells. You don't have a beating heart yet, but it should come within the next week and a half or so. That's really a big step! I hope everything is working out for you. There are so many things that can go wrong, so I hope you figure it all out. I really want to get to know you!

I showed your dad a picture of what you look like at this stage, and he said you looked just like this primordial larvae that he read about in biology class. He's right, you look a little like something that could be found floating around on the ocean floor. Don't worry though, you'll look a little more human in a few weeks.

I'm trying to do everything I can to help you. I'm trying to eat better, and I've done pretty well, though I ate some french fries tonight. Not too many though! I had lots of vegetables and drank some orange juice. And had eggs for breakfast.

I've been sleeping a lot... last night I slept about 12 hours, and then I woke up to try to do some work, got sleepy again, and fell asleep on the couch. Then I woke up, went to the bathroom, got sleepy again, and went back to bed. I think I ended up sleeping for 16 hours. You must be sucking a lot of energy from my system! That's okay though, I hereby give it to you willingly. :)

My first ultrasound is Wednesday, and we hope to be able to see the beggings of the "fetal pole". We almost surely won't be able to hear your heartbeat, because it probably won't be beating at that point. :) I'll probably have another ultrasound in a week or so in the hopes of seeing a heartbeat.

Symptoms so far: No nausea or sickness, just sore boobs and fatigue. Some frequency of urination, but not much. Kinda hoping for some nausea actually, since that is an indicator of a strong pregnancy. So kick up those hormones hun! Show me what you got!

Talk to you later!

Love,

Mom

Doubling

Not much time to post: 441 HCG, more than double.

Progesterone: 41

First ultrasound next Wednesday.

Hang in there lil guy. :)

Positive blood test

Dear Baby,

Yesterday I had a positive blood test. You are producing enough HCG that I got a 188 on my Beta! That's a good number and in the upper range.

Tomorrow I go in for my second beta. It is supposed to double to indicate a healthy pregnancy. So keep pumping the stuff out so I can get a good result. :)

Talk to you later,

Mom

The online announcement

Dear Baby,

Some people congratulated me today, and I thought you'd think it was fun to read what they said. A little history first: As part of my TTC journey, I have frequented two main infertility communities, a group for maillist for women who are TTC and a message board for those with high FSH who are TTC.

It's odd, but I don't post much with the maillinglist group... they tend to have problems with PCOS and other problems, which I do not have. So I seem to relate more with the high FSH women. Now, the mailinglist group is very sensitive, and about once a month there is a little blowup where someone posts about their pregnancy discovery, and then it makes everyone sad. In fact, there is a rule: you can announce your pregnancy once, announce the first beta doubling, and announce the heartbeat, but you're not allowed to talk about your pregnancy otherwise.

So, I decided not to inform the mailing list, but I did post on the FSH board. Here is my first post:

Hi everyone!

It is 12dpiui and I just got the faintest pink line on my FRER pregnancy test. It is so faint you can't see it if you hold it at arm's length, but if you look close it is there.It wouldn't count as a positive by FRER standards, but I remember other infertility women say that any line that's pink is a good sign.I did have an HCG shot, but it's been 14 days since then.I will of course test again tomorrow or in a few days, but on a scale of 1 - 10, how optimistic should I be? I've never had even a spec of pink on any test before and I've been TTC 1 year, so I'm causiously hopeful right now.
Here is my BBT chart, if you're interested:
http://www2.fertilityfriend.com/home/291e9
Thanks!Christine

Basically, everyone posted that I should go get a Beta test. :) But, I waited another day, and I posted this:

Hi guys!
So yesterday I posted about the faintest line in history.
Well, I tested again that night and it got a little darker.
Then I tested again this morning and it got a little darker.
Then I tested again just now (at work! haha!) and it is almost as dark as the control line maybe 70% as dark).
Currently I'm 13 dpiui.
So, I guess tomorrow I will test again and call my doc to schedule a beta. Do you get the beta results the same day? Wow I'm so excited. I hope this works.
So far I've had no symptoms... maybe a little fullness in my uterus like my period was going to start, but it seems like that's been happening almost since my IUI, so it might have to do with that. My boobs hurt after my HCG shot (15 days ago now!) but they don't hurt as much now. I hope I get some symptoms soon. I feel kind of sick to my stomach now, but I think it's because I'm so darn happy.
My husband said, "Right now, at this moment, I'm a dad! No matter what happens, I'm a dad!" Isn't that the cutest thing ever?
MelissaCA: Playing Sims2 got me pregnant, hope it does for you as well! Thanks everyone!
Christine

The Sims reference is due to the fact that I posted something about my character getting pregnant in the Sims2 game, and people said that maybe it was a sign of things to come. ;)

So, here were my congratulatory posts from the other members:

Omg... BFP. (possible pg mentioned!) View Thread - Christine on Oct 24, 7:53 PM
YEAH!!!! - CJ on Oct 24, 8:52 PM
Like they say.... - PatriciaCA on Oct 24, 10:22 PM
Wonderful!!! I Am Keeping My Fingers Crossed for a - Melissa on Oct 25, 3:49 AM
PUPO - trishfPA on Oct 25, 6:28 AM
Congratulations! - SaraD on Oct 25, 6:53 AM
Woo hoo!! - Melissa CA on Oct 25, 7:52 AM
Congrats Christine - have a healthy pg. nt - Ann on Oct 25, 9:07 AM
Congratulations! - Wendy on Oct 25, 10:20 AM
Wonderful news!! - CarynD on Oct 25, 10:48 AM
YIPPEE!!!! Can't wait for the confirmation! nt - percy on Oct 25, 12:05 PM
Good Luck, Christine! - P.F. on Oct 25, 12:27 PM
congrats! - suz on Oct 25, 12:45 PM
Christine :) - Julie on Oct 25, 2:39 PM
My protocol - Christine on Oct 25, 8:40 PM
baby Paige!!! - Belen on Oct 25, 5:14 PM

Isn't that nice? It makes me feel so good.

Now, Baby, you must stay around, or I will be forced to posted a sad message, and it will bum everyone out. So stick to the uterus for another 9 months or so, OK? :)

Love,

Mom

Greetings from your parents

Dear baby,

It was only yesterday that I learned of your existence. I'm not sure who you,are, what you're like or how long you'll stay, but I'm sure happy you decided to turn my pregnancy tests pink.

Yesterday, when I was at work, I told Kevin (your dad, but I guess if you're reading this you'll know that) that I had to pee before we went out to eat. He said, "Oh! Take a pregnancy test!" A pretty good idea, I should have thought of it myself! You see, I had several pregnancy tests that were really light, but we were still not 100% sure that you were here.

So I took a styrofoam cup from next to the coffee machine and I went into the bathroom and peed in it! As soon as I dipped the test stick in, the color marched across the strip, and the positive result just jumped out. I could barely control myself! I went over to where Kevin was sitting at his desk, and I said, "Do you want to see the test?" Of course, I was grinning from ear to ear and he knew right away it was good. (Later in the day, Kevin did a rather brutal impression of me as I walked over to his desk... trying hard not to smile too much, but face distorted with happiness.)

The test was clearly positive, and clearly getting darker, so we let our hearts accept the fact that you exist.

I know that lots can happen. Especially at this point, so early. But you're here. Even if you decide my uterus isn't terribly hospitible and you leave before I can meet you face to face, you are here now. As Kevin said the other night, "I'm a Dad! Even if something bad happens later, I'm a Dad right now!"

You might be wondering why I keep saying things like, "if something happens," or "if you decide to leave." It's still early, you see, and we must protect our hearts a little. There is a lot that can go wrong at this point. Heck, I haven't even had a blood test yet! I've been suffering from infertility for more than a year now, and in the infertility world the numbers of miscarriages and other problems are well known. I hope you understand.

I mean, this blog itself is a great example. If you read the very few entries, where I think I'm feeling certain pregnancy symptoms, and wonder if it is possible I can be so lucky as to get pregnant on the first try, it shows how hopeful and naive I can be.

However, the very fact that I'm writing this, reflects a certain amount of hope that I'm allowing myself to feel. It may be stupid hope, but I hope not. If you're reading this, obviously I was right. If, a few months from now, I look back at this entry and reflect upon how hopeful and naive I was, thinking that a positive pregnancy test meant I was going to have a baby (HA! As if!)... well, so be it.

So... how are you doing in there? Right now, you're the size of... well, let's just say you're pretty damn small. Like maybe the size of the period at the end of this sentence. But, according to my bathroom scale, you already weigh 5 pounds! Haha, okay just kidding, that was the ice cream, I think.

Anyway, you are probably still just a ball of cells. In fact, not to be rude or anything, but you probably look kind of gross up close. I saw a picture, and, well, it's not pretty.

I can tell you though, you're already a freakin' genius. You've begun ordering your cells around, telling each beginning to become something different. "You! Over there! Get down and become the umbilical cord! You! Yes, YOU! You think you're smart? We'll see. You can be the central nervous system!" Just be careful though! One wrong move at this stage could take you from Bill Gates to Bill & Ted.

Are you a girl or a boy? You know right now, even though you haven't yet revealed the parts. Kevin says you're a girl, but I'm leaning towards a boy. If you're a boy, you're probably not reading this, is men are not into baby stuff as much. If you're a girl, maybe you're reading this right before you starting trying to have a baby of your own. My advice to you? Don't have sluggish ovaries or fibroids. Oh, and by the way, they are genetic traits, so it will be hard advice to follow.

So I thought it would be fun to type out some of my plans for your short period within my womb, your birth and the beginnings of your life.

The reason this will be fun is not because it is cute or well-prepared, but rather because a year from now I can look back and laugh at how stupid all my plans were. But hey, it is fun thinking about this stuff.

PREGNANCY:
- I'm going to try to eat well. Uh, starting, like tomorrow. I'm vegetarian, so I need to figure out how to eat to give you the best building materials. Of course, since you're virtually a parasite, you will just take what you need at my expense. Which is fine with me, go right ahead.

- I'm going to start doing my pregnancy video tapes. I actually have some good ones that promote stretching and connection to the baby. They're more difficult that they look, however.

- I will play music to you in the womb. Yes, I will play Bach and other classical music, but you also might get a little of The Beatles, Morrissey and maybe Jimmy Eat World.

- I want to learn a song, that I can sing well, so I can sing it throughout my pregnancy. Then, after you're born, I will softly sing this song to you. It will be soothing to you because it is familiar and it reminds you of the womb environment. Right now the best I have is "Part of Your World" from The Little Mermaid, which isn't very touching.

LABOR:
- I want to try to have as natural of a birth as possible, but I will forgive myself if I find it isn't possible. I'd like to have you without an epidural so you're more awake the first time we meet. And, I want to try various positions, so an epidural wouldn't be helpful for standing or squatting.

- I'd also like to have you placed on my chest immediately after birth, so we can say hello. I hate it when doctors display the baby quickly to the mother (like a worker at a deli will display a cut of cheese to make sure it is the right thickness, then pack it briskly away) and zip them off to perform tasks of momentous importance such as footprinting.

- I have also asked Kevin to make sure that he never leaves your side. If for whatever reason they have to take you away, he will go with you. There will be no mixups.

YOUR FIRST DAYS OF LIFE:
- I will do what I can to make it easy for you AND me. I want to relax and not stress. If you cry, I will help you. I don't believe in letting a baby "cry it out." God, how frustrating is that? Your only means of communication is crying. How horrible must it be to try to communicate, but no one listens? No, I will be there when you cry.

- I want you to sleep with me. I know it isn't totally safe to have a baby in the adult bed, so I'm going to get a mini-crib thing that hooks up with the side of the bed. So you'll be sitting right next to me, and I can reach over and pat your belly whenever I want, but you're also safe in your own protected little zone. Do babies snore? I'm a light sleeper, so don't snore, okay? Of course, both Kevin and I snore a little bit, so I hope YOU are not a light sleeper too. :)

- You might not have a nursery when you're born. Is that bad of me? Does it make me a bad mother? It just seems like a waste of money. You won't really care, right? Anyway, you'll be sleeping in our room. We have a room picked out for you already of course, and I'm sure I'll get a diaper changing station and a dresser for all your little clothes, but I hope you don't actually live there for some time. Then, we can skip the "baby" stage of the nursery and skip right to the toddler stage. Instead of baby bears you'll go right to baseball (or whatever). If this pisses you off, kick me twice. . . . Didn't feel anything, so I figure it is okay. (I know, I know, you don't have legs yet. But if you really didn't like it, you would have made it known!) Anyway, I figure the babies usually want to be with their parents as much as possible, at least in the beginning. It's nice to have someone actually LIKE me that much, and I want to keep you around. :)

- I'm not going to be snobbish about your furniture of clothes. You may end up with a lot of used things from garage sales or second hand stores. Why would I spend 100 bucks on an outfit you're going to puke on in 5 minutes? In fact, I already have two cute items I bought for 25 cents (each, not combined, sheesh I'm not that cheap) at a garage sale a year ago. One is a white turtle neck ribbed shirt. It is so cute. Another is a tan sweater with a furry bear on the front. They are pretty big, so you'll have to grow for a several months to a year before you can wear them, but they will sure look cute until you puke on them. (By the way, this is not to say that

- I will, however, splurge on important things, such as: the best baby car seat, a very good breast pump so I can breastfeed while working, and freakin' cool toys. I'm sure there are other things that are important, but I can't think of any right now. But they're think that I think you would appreciate, things that influence your safety and your heath, rather than things that make you cute. :)

- I will try as hard as I possibly can to breastfeed you as long as I possibly can. I will not feel like a failure if I can't do it, but I will keep trying even if it is hard. Unfortuately I will have to go back to work very soon after you're born, but I will try to pump at work so that you can have the benefit of my breast milk. That said, I won't breast feed you once you can talk! That just freaks me out, sorry. So it it while you can. :)

Hmm... all this talk about breast milk has given me a craving for ice cream. So I'd better go.

I hope this point doesn't seem stupid a week from now. I hope it ends up being touching and toughtful, rather than naive and overly optimistic. You do your part to stay in there, and I'll do mine. Kevin gives us a 70% chance of having a healthy baby at this point. Hey, I'll take it.

Love,

Mom

The faint pink line continues to live on

Well, last night (after the initial faint line) I took another FRER test and it showed another line, perhaps darker. Now when I say "darker" I mean it was barely darker, you almost couldn't tell the difference. Kevin and I did many tests where we mixed the tests up and covered up the numbers (1 & 2 to tell the difference) I wrote on them with black marker, then tried to determine which was darker. We always chose #2.

So this morning, I purchased another pregnancy test ("Answer") that claims to detect pregnancy early. Unfortunately, it ended up being made by the same company! It looks like it is just the cheap version of the FRER test, with no cap to go over the urine collection swab (looks like I won't be keeping this test in my scrapbook!). Gross!

But, it showed about the same results, probably slightly lighter than the FRER tests, but a pink line is definitely there.

The day after tomorrow will be the first day of my missed period (I will surely miss it even if I'm not pregnant since I'm on progesterone supplements, so not getting my period tomorrow doesn't mean anything). So I will take a good test, like an ept or Clear Blue Easy. I guess we'll see what those say.

Boobs were a little sore yesterday, but not so much this morning (was hoping for an increase in symptoms...)

A faint pink line

So I haven't posted for a while... not much to say. I have had some sore boobs and stuff, but I could tell that was caused by the HCG shot. I have also had this full feeling in my uterus, almost like I was going to start my period, even though it is too early for that. It might be the progesterone, or it might just be a side effect of my IUI.

Anyway, so this morning, I took a First Response Early Result pregnancy test.

There was a very faint, pink line that showed up within a minute or so.

Now, let me take a moment to describe this line, and you'll realize why this post doesn't start off with "OH MY GOD I'M PREGNANT!!" or something. You see, the line was so faint, that it was almost hard to see. If you held it at arm's length, you almost couldn't see it. But if you looked close... there it was. It's so faint that one side of the line fades into nothing... though the other side is darker.

Kevin agreed it was there. He can confirm it, so it isn't like I'm making things up.

There are some things that you should know about my situation.

First, the test was read within the given time frame (they say that if you read a test the next day and it shows a slight positive, it is not accurate).

Second, I did have an HCG trigger shot which puts pregnancy hormone into my bloodstream. But, that was 14 days ago, and HCG should be out of your system within 8 - 10 days. Maybe I just don't disperse the HCG has quickly as others, and my pregnancy test detected some leftover HCG from my trigger shot?

Third, it is only 12 days past my IUI, so it's REALLY early. In fact, it was ludicrous to test! Insane! Mononic! But for some reason I did it.

Fourth, there is something called "evaporation lines" on pregnancy tests. These are spots on the tests where you can see some kind of line, but in reality it is just that you can see the strip of chemicals that react to the HCG. They tend to be grey in color. So, I'm pretty sure I am not looking at an evaporation line, since it is pink.

And now I must deal with this line. The faintest pink line in history.

I'm trying to prepare myself for tomorrow and the next day, and what those pregnancy tests will show. Will the line remain the same, or will it get darker or lighter? Will tomorrow be a happy day, or another nail-biter?

Lookin' good.

Good.

Good. Good, good, good. My temperature went up.

It wasn't the fastest temperature spike ever, but it means I ovulated, and on time. So, now we just want my temperature to stay up... for, like, 9 months. :)

I feel silly now for writing that cutesy, creative entry yesterday.

I was excited, you see. It was the farthest I have gotten in this quest to have a baby.

But, today I there was a hitch. My temperature didn't go up, as it should after I ovulate. I might have ovulated late, or maybe I ovulated and my temperature didn't rise. Whose knows. The nurse swears that I HAD to have ovulated. I would be the first person in history not to ovulate after my protocol. LOL.

Oh well. Let's hope my temperature goes up tomorrow.

It's like after you work out really hard, and your arms are heavy and sore the next day. Every time you feel the dull pain as you grab a coffee cup off the shelf, you think, "Wow, I'm getting stronger."

That's how I feel today.

My IUI, which I had this morning, has left me with a dull cramping in my uterus. It hurts a little bit, but every time I feel a twang of pain, I think, "It's working." It hurts so good! :)

We don't really know what the final count of follicles was... anywhere between 1 and 3. But we do know that Kevin had 26 million washed sperm, with 98% motility! So now we just need ONE of those eggs and ONE of those sperm to hook up... and we're on our way.

We rented a hotel room in Chicago so that we didn't have to drive 2 hours in the morning before the IUI. It also gave us a good place to collect the "specimen."

Then, we hurried to the hospital with the little cup tucked in my bra, to keep it warm. When we got there, we handed it over to the doctor who asked us if we wanted to look at it under the microscope. Of course, we said yes! It was so fun to see the little swimmers. Some were really screwed up, one had its head bent backwards and it was flailing around everywhere, helpless. Others were cute and healthy, slashing quickly and heartily through the liquid under the microscope.

We had to wait an hour for the sperm to be washed, and then we had to wait ANOTHER HOUR to get a room to do the IUI. We were really pissed off, and we sat in the waiting room, sighing impatiently to get the receptionist's attention. The nurse said that the hour wait wouldn't affect the sperm - but I say every minute counts, even if it is already washed. Those suckers die fast, you know?

The IUI part was pretty easy (in fact, I find it hard to believe it cost $650!). The nurse had trouble finding my cervix, which was interesting. She really had to fish around to find it. I wonder how that affects my fertility. Then, after just a few minutes, I had to rest and let the washed sperm swim around.

That's about it. I start progesterone treatments on Thursday.

I've said it before, but I'll say it again: I hope this works!

So today I went in for my Day 9 ultrasound. On Day 6, I had four follies: 7mm, 12 mm, 12 mm and 14 mm. Today, I had 8 mm, 8 mm, 12 mm, 14 mm and 21 mm.

My estradiol was only 199, which concerns me, because I wanted it to be quite a bit higher. The doctor said he was really surprised by my response to the stims, though. He said that the stims really sped me up, and we were lucky I am taking Cetrotide or I'd be ovulating now.

Unfortunately, the FSH treatment seems to speed up my egg production, rather than increase it. Ideally, we want to have a few follicles at a similar size, instead of a dominant follicle. But, I still am making a dominant follicle. That's frustrating.

So, tonight I gave myself my last FSH shot, and another Cetrotide shot, and I'll do my last Cetrotide tomorrow morning. Then, I'll give myself an HCG trigger to tell the eggs to release.

Then - and here is the big news! - I go in for an IUI Monday morning.

Nervous, nervous. I hope it works.

My day 6 ultrasound was okay... four follicles: 7mm, 11 mm, 12 mm and 14 mm. I started Cetrotide and increased FSH to compensate (Cetrotide will cancel out any natural FSH my body produces). Now I'm taking 225 IU per day. It's gettin' up there! My estradiol was 118.

Tomorrow morning I have yet another ultrasound. So, I have to get up at 5 am and drive to Chicago in the morning. It's very fun. Woo. Let's hope we see some good eggs.

So far, I like this cycle. I want to see some better estradiol levels, but otherwise everything is nice. Good number of follicles, growing nicely, good size spacing (there isn't one 14 mm one, and the rest are 7 mm, you see?). That means they have a better chance of maturing together.

Well, I have to go to bed now in order to get up early. I feel tired and sore. My stomach and thigh are still sore from where I injected myself a few hours ago. This infertility stuff sucks.

Good news! My baseline ultrasound couldn't have gone better.

Well, actually, if the technician had said, "Oh my God, I see a baby in here!" then I guess that would have been better. But, unfortunately, that didn't happen.

What did happen was that she said that there were NO cysts (hooray!). There were a handful of antral follicles less than 10 mm - around 3 on the right ovary and maybe 2 on the left. The edometrium was 3.5 mm, which she said is good and very thin.

So, I'm all set to start FSH injections tomorrow! I have another ultrasound on Wednesday, at which point I'll add Cetrotide, and maybe lower the FSH (or raise it) depending on what the follicles do.

This is a great start!

So, I have my baseline ultrasound tomorrow! I hope, hope, hope it shows no cysts. If it does, I'll have to delay the cycle, and a few hundred dollars of medication will expire! :(

They are indeed upping my FSH dosage to 150 units per day. I think this is good based on my previous response. Get a bunch of follicles growing in the beginning, then slow down on the FSH and grow them slowly.

Then, I start Cetrotide on Wednesday most likely, which will be day 6.

Please let it work this time!

My period started today!

Yay, because that means I will start a new cycle with a new protocol as soon as possible.

Boo, because that means I wasn't miraculously pregnant this last cycle.

Oh well. This cycle we are probably going to up my dosage of FSH in the beginning to try to stimulate production of more follicles earlier. Then, if necessary, we will lower it later on.

Also, I will be taking a medication called Cetrotide to stop be from ovulating. On two out of three medicated cycles I've had, I've ovulated early. So hopefully this Cetrotide will reign in my anxious hormones. :)

I'm totally excited about starting a new protocol. I feel like we know much better how I respond to the meds. I also feel like we made two mistakes last month which hurt the cycle:

1. I tried to do the ultrasounds locally (instead of my RE's office in Chicago) to save on driving time. However, I think the difference in ultrasound techniques caused some confusion which may have messed up my treatment.

2. Last month I had two cysts on day 3, but we went ahead with the cycle anyway, and those cysts ended up popping and screwing things up because they produced progesterone. So this time, I want to make sure there are no cysts that will get in the way. If I have to wait and go on birth control pills to get the cysts under control, that's fine. I just want to start off this new cycle with fresh, clean ovaries. :)

I hope this works, because it is damn expensive!

So my temperature stayed up, which means pretty much for sure that I ovulated on day 8 or so. Bleh. Part of me hoped that it would drop down and then jump up as I REALLY ovulated (instead of just the cyst popping). But the part of me that thought that is now hiding under the bed with the cat, and she won't come back again until next month, when there will be more silly hopes to entertain.

Ah next month. When will it start? Who knows! If I DID ovulate on day 8 or 9, which is what my temperature indicates, then I should start my period in another 7 days or so. Sad, my vacation will be over. It was nice being able to drive up to Chicago for fertility treatments without having to take time off work. Then again, it is very possible that I will start early, since I most likely will end up with a luteal phase defect because of the messed up month. Oh well.

I need to buy some Cetritide for next cycle. Yay, another $400!

Well, it's been six months. So I have a lot to update.

I'll start with the cycle below. I left the blog last as I was going to get an ultrasound. The ultrasound wasn't great - the tech found free fluid and an 11 mm uterine lining.

The nurse freaked out. She said that my fibroid had grown (it was now 5 cm) and was now eating its way into my uterine lining, causing the uterine lining to be larger than it should be. Perhaps the Clomid caused it to grow very quickly in two months. She said I should see a specialist and have the fibroid removed. She said I shouldn't try to conceive until I saw someone because the fibroid was so huge it would cause problems in the case that I DID get pregnant.

I was pretty devasted. The cycle I was so excited about was over, and now I had to wait to get an appointment with a specialist. I made an appointment as soon as I could, which was 2 and a half months away.

At the same time, we were moving into the new house (which is great by the way). So a combination of being busy with the house and being frustrated with fertility proved to be an end to my blog. At least temporarily.

But now I'm back, baby! So here is what happened since then:

During the 2 months where I was waiting for an appointment, I didn't take my prenatal vitamins, I didn't track my ovulation, and we didn't try to conceive. Looking back, it was a huge waste of time. Any time I don't try to get pregnant is a huge waste of time.

Finally, I started seeing a reproductive endocrinologist at the University of Chicago. Unfortunately this means that I have to drive an hour or more to get there. But, he's good, and he accepts my insurance, so that's that.

The first thing he wanted to do was a saline-injected ultrasound to check on my fibroid. Basically, this is a procedure where they inject saline into your uterus and look at it through the ultrasound machine. Because the saline is clearly visible on the ultrasound, they end up with a 3-D vision of my uterus. They can see where the fibroid is, how much it hangs into the uterus (and thus interferes with fertility) and any other problems.

After the procedure, there was good news and bad news.

Firstly, the bad news. He said that the fibroid was actually 8 - 10 cm. This was a huge growth from the previous month. My heart fell into my stomach.

The good news though was that it was all on the outside of my uterus, and didn't go into the uterine cavity at all. That is good for fertility. He said the only potential fertility problems it could cause was that it was so big that it pushed my organs around - namely my left ovary. This is why my left ovary is always hard to see on ultrasounds.

So I talked with the ultrasound technician for a long time after the doctor left. I was so concered about the growth. Were talking about it growing from 3 cm to 10 cm in three months!

If you're not familiar with stuff like this, the problem with stuff growing at a large rate in your body is that it can be malignant. Meaning, cancer. I mean, a fibroid IS a tumor afterall. And if it is growing rapidly, you then have a rapidly-growing tumor. That's never good, and it's often very bad.

But, luckily, the ultrasound technician was able to explain everything to me very clearly and together we figured out the issue. She said that there were multiple fibroids forming a big lump on the outside of my uterus. That one lump could be measured at 8 - 10 cm. Inside the lump there were various fibroids, measuring different sizes. They can easily be measured anywhere from 3 - 5 cm, thus explaining the various sizes I've gotten in previous ultrasounds.

The main measurement to look for is the overall size of my uterus, which includes the fibroid. This number hasn't grown at all in the last year or so, which is terrific news.

We also figured out that the reason for my nurse freaking out before was that I had actually ovulated! Hence the free fluid. The lining that measured 11 mm was actually very healthy for around ovulation time, it had nothing to do with the fibroid at all. That nurse freaked out over nothing. And I wasted 3 months over nothing.

After we found out that that fibroid was OK, Kevin and I decided we would do 3 months of natural cycles. I had lost some weight, my cycles were getting longer, and we thought we'd have a chance.

All negative.

So back to the RE.

The new RE had me take a blood test to start off his treatment. I kept asking him about the FSH to LH ratio - my FSH was a higher than my LH, and they are supposed to be about the same. Everything was still within normal limits, but it was something I was curious about. He said we would go ahead and test it again. I also asked him to include an insulin test, since I've been losing weight and lifting weights and hoped I had lowered my previously-elevated score.

Again, we got good news and bad news. The good news is that my insulin level was lowered, and was now within normal limits (It is supposed to be below 17. Previously it was 18, now it is 11. Yay!)

The bad news is that my FSH was 13.6. They are looking for a number at least under 10, hopefully under 6. Now, for those of you who aren't obsessed with fertility issues, FSH stands for follicle stimulating hormone. This is the hormone that your body creates in order to get the ovaries to produce eggs. A higher score means that your body has trouble telling your ovaries to make eggs, so it needs to pump out more FSH to continue a normal cycle. This is bad. It means that my ovaries are sluggish for some reason. The RE wouldn't call it "premature ovarian failure" but it is sort of a preindicator of it. It also means that if we try to stimulate my ovaries to produce more eggs (say, for an IVF treatment), it will be more difficult because my ovaries are resistant.

This of course sent me into a tailspin. Everything online said that if you have an FSH higher than 10, you should look into donor eggs. I spent a long time looking through possible egg donors, I figured that if I couldn't provide the egg, at least I could get an egg upgrade!

When I met with the doctor he said that my age (31) meant that I still should be able to produce my own eggs. The high FSH number just meant that I might need higher doses of medications.

However, he recommended that I skip the Clomid phase which we were originally going to start with, and move directly to FSH injections. The idea here is that the FSH injections would stimulate my ovaries to produce more, stronger eggs without the negative side effects of Clomid. The downside is that they are much more expensive.

But, we took the dive into expensive, not-covered-by-insurance fertility treatments.

Here is something I posted to my favorite message board, to explain my first injectible cycle. I'll end it there for today, because I think that makes my blog up to date:

Well, I'm doing an FSH injectible cycle with IUI, and I started off with two cysts (one was 12 mm and one was 18 mm on day 3). The doctor said to go ahead and start injectibles and I did (75 units a day).

On day 6, I had one 12 mm follicle and a 5 mm, plus the two cysts, my estradiol was 190. The 18 mm cyst had grown to 30 mm! But the RE said to continue.

Then on day 8, the 30 mm cyst had popped (there was fluid in the cul-de-sac and it was gone). My estradiol dropped to 104 but I still had three 5 mm follicles and one 15 mm follicle.

The RE said it was because the cyst popped that the estradiol went down, and that I should continue.

So, on day 11, they looked again, and my biggest follicle was still 15 mm but the 3 smaller ones were now around 10 mm. But there was still fluid, and I've been charting my BBT and my temp was still up since day 9 or so.

So this time I asked them to take a progesterone test to see if I ovulated. The nurse was kind of resistant, but the RE agreed. He said the chances of someone spontaneously ovulating on this medication is less than 5%. Also, he said that since I was using a fertility monitor, I would have picked up an LH surge if I had ovulated spontaneously.

I also asked if the cyst that popped could be producing the progesterone - he said it is rare, but it could happen, and that would mean that the cycle is busted (since the progesterone produced by the cyst would interfere with the hormonal balance of the cycle).

Well guess what? My progesterone was 8.5. So they now say I ovulated after all! It's very rare, she said, but it looks like it happened. Luckily, we had sex on day 9 and 10, so she thinks we may have caught the egg. I really hope so.

However, I've also been using a Clear Blue fertility monitor, and I haven't gotten a peak on it yet, indicating an LH surge. Personally I don't think I have ovulated yet and it was just the cyst that popped.Anyone have anything like this happen?

Regardless, next cycle I'm going to make sure I don't start out with any cysts. He is also going to include Cetrocide since I like to ovulate on my own. I've had three medicated cycles, two with Clomid and one with injectibles - on two of those cycles I ovulated on day 8 when they said I shouldn't have!.

I'm done with the Clomid and now waiting to ovulate. My temps have been up recently, I'm not sure if I'm sick or maybe stressed from moving. Or maybe it is because I haven't been sleeping too well. I hope it isn't because I ovulated!

Today I have my ultrasound. It is so hard fitting my baby stuff in with all the moving stuff. We close on the house tomorrow and are moving on Friday. So I have LOTS of little things I need to get done.

Other than the strange temps, I'm excited about this cycle. I got some PreSeed lubricant, which is supposed to help the sperm swim. I also have a new theory about how to BD that I'm going to try (won't get into details here!). I hope everything works out, I'd love to have a positive pregnancy test in my new house!

Speaking of the new house, it just looks so awesome! It is totally done now, we're just waiting to close on it. We did the walk through on Monday, and pretty much the only things needing fixing were some scrapes on the walls and some paint splatters on the trim. The appraiser valued the house at 5,000 more than we will pay for it, so we got a good deal. We already have 9% equity in the house, and we haven't made a single payment. She also said that if our house was located in Crown Point or St. John, it would be worth $225,000! Of course, the property values in Lowell where our house is will keep going up, so eventually we should be in that range. That's a nice increase in value!

I posted this on a board today, so I'll use it as my update:

My insurance doesn't cover infertility, so my OB has been billing my treatments as PCOS. This is now my third cycle with this OB, and I'm starting to get bills from my first cycle (where we were trying to get a diagnosis of what was going on) and my first ultrasound has been denied by my insurance company. The insurance company says that even though the ultrasound was billed as PCOS, they consider it infertility treatment. The insurance company wants the office notes from my OB to determine if it was related to infertility or not.

Now, for the second cycle, I can understand the insurance company's point (since at that point we determined I had PCOS and IR, and the second ultrasound was more to determine how I was responding to Clomid). But the FIRST cycle was really trying to get a diagnosis of what was wrong with me - and that should be covered.

I haven't spoken to my OB directly yet, so I'm not sure what she'll say. But, if the worst case scenerio happens, and my treatments won't be covered, what options do I have?

The ultrasounds are $420. The CD 21 bloodwork is $210 (the insurance company hasn't argued about this yet, but I assume they will try). Clomid costs $25 and HCG shot costs $49. Progesterone treatment is $10. Obviously, this is a lot of money each cycle, and I'm not even into IUIs or injections yet (though I'm responding GREAT to Clomid, so I assume they won't be necessary).

Here are my thoughts:

1. I might be able to "talk down" some of the prices since these are what they are charging the insurance company, and usually they give a break to people when insurance doesn't pay.

2. Perhaps I could see an RE or something who has a package deal for people who don't have insurance. Like $300 a cycle or so, right? Maybe I'll get better treatment that way too?

3. Maybe I could get additional insurance somehow? That might be as expensive as $300 a cycle though. Plus, if I enter into the insurance with my current infertility situation, perhaps they won't cover me, knowing that's what I'm looking for.

4. I could always have an unmonitored Clomid cycle, but so far I've gotten the impression that my OB's office doesn't like to do that. (Though, perhaps now that they've seen how I react to one cycle, maybe they'll be fine doing the same treatment without monitoring?)

My period started today! I added the exclaimation point because I'm relieved it finally showed up. Sometimes it can take a week (or more!) for your period to start after you take progesterone supplements (because the high levels of progesterone actually delay the start of your period). In some women it doesn't start at all, and it must be brought on with another medication. Luckily it only took me a few days. Never have I been so happy to start my period.

I've given two weeks notice to my apartment complex - which means it looks like we'll actually be moving in two weeks. God, I hope! I need to try to do some packing today.

One word: negative! My temp went up though - what's going on? I guess the progesterone is keeping it up.

I knew that the progesterone would keep my temperature higher, but I thought that it would still drop a bit as my natural progesterone fell. Perhaps I'm wrong. We'll see! I'll call the OB today.

I posted this on a message board today, so I'll cheat and use it as my update:

For the past week, I've been SO depressed. Some of it is because I'm sure this cycle didn't work - I'd have symptoms or a positive pregnancy test by now. But it is much more than that! I'm at work now, and I'm on the verge of crying. I'm sad about my cycle, and I keep thinking negative thoughts about whether or not I will ever be pregnant... but I just feel abnormally sad.

When I'm super-moody from the hormones, it feels like the worst migrane I've ever had - but without my head actually hurting! Meaning, I feel sensitivity to light, noises and people's voices irritate the hell out of me, I couldn't focus on anything, I had a short attention span, and I wanted to just lay in bed in the dark.

I have really low hormones, that's part of my infertility problem. But, I think they are also the reason I've never really had PMS or bad periods or moodiness. I'm always perky and happy!

But now that I've had my first taste of strong female hormones, it is tough for me to cope. I keep trying to remind myself what I'm doing this for - a little baby of my own. But that makes me sad again as well, because I'm having so much trouble getting pregnant!

My temp has been going down slowly for the past 3 days, so I decided that I would only test today if my temp went up (since these tests cost like $8). Well, fate decided that I needed to lose eight bucks, because my temp went up slightly, so I tested and it was negative. GREAT!! (That's sarcasm, in case it didn't come across.) Oh well. Anyway, I will take another test tomorrow, though there is only a 17% chance I can be pregnant (or else the test would have caught it).

Need to start thinking about next cycle...

Sorry I haven't posted for a while. Just been in the two-week wait, and waiting and waiting and waiting.

I went in on CD 21 and had my bloodtest. I scored 16 on progesterone and 158 on estradiol. That means I DID ovulate, and not too badly. They wanted 20 on the progesterone, so now I've been taking progesterone suppliments. I hate them. They are icky and make me very moody. Kevin has definitely noticed it.

We were joking today that perhaps the reason I am such a nice person is because my hormones are so low. I have easy periods, no PMS, I'm always perky and happy. Now that I have REAL female hormones I'm more of a bitch. HA! I feel really whiney too. Oh well, I guess that means the shit is working, right?

Wednesday is CD 28, when I'm due for my period and when I'm supposed to take a pregnancy test. I've already taken one expensive test and one cheap test, and they were both negative. But, that's probably to be expected, it was really early.

I've had no symptoms so far, and if I was pregnant, I would probably be having some symptoms by now. But there have been none, other than general bitchiness, probably caused by the progesterone suppliments (bloating and depression are the two main side-effects).

I will take another test tomorrow though, and see how that goes. I will use the ClearBlue Easy test, which is a very good one. If I am pregnant, there is an 83% chance I'll know tomorrow (based on the accuracy of the test). I love ClearBlue Easy stuff, man, they are the best at everything.

I'm depressed about this cycle though. I was so worried a few days ago about having triplets, and now I'm sad that not a single egg made it! Well, it is still possible I'm pregnant (though my chart isn't great and I have no symptoms) but it is quite unlikely that I'm having twins or more! Just because I really SHOULD be having some symptoms and positive tests with twins!

There is a girl at my work who is pregnant. Maybe 4 months or so, I don't know. She is really small and is wearing giant maternity clothes which her stomach doesn't fill in yet. I look at her all the time because I'm so jealous and happy for her. It is kind of like having a rock star work in my office. I want to try to come up with some way to talk to her, so I can have a pregnancy friend, but I don't know her. Plus, I'm not pregnant, so I would only be like stalking her. When I get pregnant and get to 18 weeks though (so I don't have to worry as much about a miscarriage), then I'll talk to her (though she'll probably have a baby by then!). Oh well.

Anyway, cross your fingers and send me good thoughts for tomorrow.

Everything seems to be going well.

The HCG shot made me a little strange and dizzy. I was just very uncaring about trivial things... like work, hah. But that feeling went away after about a day.

On day 14, I experienced some pretty obvious ovulation pains, almost all day long, on both sides. So I knew exactly what was going on in there.

Now it is 4 days past ovulation, and I haven't really noticed any big symptoms. I have had some cravings for certain foods, but I've been trying to eat higher protein and lower carbs, so that is probably why I've been craving some things. Actually, my biggest craving was for dairy, like milk and ice cream.

I've been having a little twinge in my right ovary-area today. Should be too early for any implantation, but just a feeling worth mentioning anyway. No sore boobs or anything like that. Anything I'm feeling will probably be related to higher levels of progesterone than I've experienced previously.

Speaking of progesterone, I go in on Wednesday to have a blood test to check my progesterone levels. I know their much higher than before, but we need to find out if they're high enough (meaning, higher than 20). If they're not over 20, they will give me progesterone suppliments to help support a possible pregnancy.

If there are the beginnings of a baby somewhere inside of me, right now he is just a little ball of cells - possibly as many as a few dozen cells already - bumping and rolling along my fallopian tubes. Little fibers are back and forth, pushing my little baby-ball along, towards my uterus. I feel like perhaps I should not jump around or move too abruptly, so as not to send the little guy off course. Oh, but that's just being silly!

Hi there!

I posted something a few days ago, but it looks like it didn't save for some reason. Hmm.

Oh well. Anyway, as I posted on Monday, I grew three follicles (25 mm, 20 mm, and 19 mm). The OB said that the two smaller follicles would not trigger, but I've asked around a lot online and that isn't quite what other people are saying. Most women say their doctors say one that the HCG shot will trigger ALL follicles to rupture, but only mature eggs will be able to be fertilized. Some doctors say a "mature" egg is 18 mm, some doctors say 20 mm.

So, I'm a little worried about multiples. I guess the fact is that each egg has only a 15% chance to become a baby, and the truth is that I have additional problems, like the fibroids, but still I'm worried!

At the same time, I'm really excited. The PROBABILITY is that at least one, and probably only one, will implant. So, I have a better chance this month than at any other time.

Sorry I haven't posted for a while, we had guests and I've been pretty busy.

I took my round of Clomid, and didn't really experience any side-effects other than drowsiness. I took the pill right before bed, so it didn't matter.

The good news is - it worked! I have three follicles, one is 25 mm! So, I will get an HCG shot today to trigger my ovulation (and strengthen it) and start BDing tonight! The OB said that since the other two follicles are smaller (20 mm and 19 mm) they shouldn't be triggered by the HCG shot, so I should release one good egg. I'd rather not have multiples if I can help it, but of course I'll be happy with whatever I get. :)

I'll post again later...

We got the results of the sperm analysis back - everything is great! 90% morphology and 75% motility, and a pretty good count. Those morphology and motility numbers are REALLY great. So, we're of course very excited about that. :)

Tonight I'm starting my first Clomid round. I'm going to take the pill before going to bed, so that I can sleep through as many side-effects as possible. I'm very excited about starting it - I'd love to see how my body responds.

Since it isn't covered by my insurance, I have to pay for everything out of pocket. The sperm analysis was $39 (plus pathology fee, which I don't know yet), the Clomid was $35 for 5 pills, the HCG shot was $40. Then I'll have to pay for an ultrasound (probably $200) and one or two days of bloodtesting (probably $150 each). So, this could get expensive if this takes a few cycles. :(

Started my period yesterday. I'm actually happy about it, since this means I'll be starting Clomid in 4 days! I'm so excited! In a way, I'm excited about the side effects: cramping, headaches, dizziness, sleeplessness, mood swings, heavy period, etc. If I feel bad, I know it is working! :P

We also decided to get a sperm analysis done. We did that yesterday, hopefully I'll get the results in a day or so. I am kind of pissed off about the whole thing actually... I called and asked how much it was to get one done, because my health insurance doesn't cover it. She said $39. Great! So we went ahead and get it done. Well, AFTER we're done and I'm paying for it, the lady says, "Oh, they told you there would be an extra charge for pathology, right? $39 is just a lab fee." So I asked how much it was and she said it varies depending on who does it and how long it takes. What the hell? What if I get a bill later for $6,568? It could cost anything! They are jackasses. I'm going to try to stay away from that hospital if it is at all possible.

So I got my final blood tests and everything... I still have a 'weak' ovulation, but it is actually a little better than the OB thought. I am ovulating, and all the hormones and everything are there, my eggs are just popping out a little too early.

I was thinking that she was going to put me on Metformin, which is a medication that helps with insulin resistance. But she said that my insulin levels were so low that she would prefer to keep me off of it, for now. Instead, she is going to put me on Clomid (the drug that strengthens ovulation) at 50mg (a weak dosage) for one cycle and see how that goes. We'll continue to do blood tests 3 times a month and an ultrasound to see the size of my follicles right before ovulation. If everything goes well, we'll do that for a few months, until I get pregnant. :)

If I still have weak ovulation, she'll up my dosage to 100mg and try that. If my cycle responds, we'll stay there. If not, then she'll try Metformin and Clomid together, which has traditionally been a great combo. She doesn't think I'll need it though.

She is also leaving it up to us to decide if we want to do a sperm analysis now, or after a few cycles with good ovulation and no pregnancy. I will talk to the clinic and see how much it costs... if it is around $100, we'll just go ahead and do it. If it is more expensive, we'll wait until we know that *I* am OK, and then figure out what ELSE is wrong (if we're not pregnant, of course!).

So, I'm really excited about everything. I'm happy there was no scary news, or anything like that. I was scared about the whole "Left ovary not seen" thing. It was kind of freaking me out for a while... could it be possible that I didn't have one of my ovaries? But today she told me that I definitely do have two ovaries, but the ultrasound technician who did my ultrasound didn't do a good job (and thought she found my ovary and didn't, or something like that).

Hello, hello, hello. Had my CD 20 bloodtest last Thrusday, but I don't have the results yet. I meet with the OB on Tuesday to go over all results and come up with a game plan.

I didn't mention this before, but on my ultrasound, it says "Left ovary not seen." I'm not sure if I should be scared of that or not. My OB left a message about the results of the ultrasound, and she said, "It is pretty much as we had expected." I assume if I was actually MISSING an ovary, she's mention that? Hmm, oh well. :)

Well, it looks like I did ovulate on CD 13. That's good in one way - that means my cycles haven't gotten any worse, and my dieting didn't really affect anything. It's bad though because I had an ultrasound on CD 12 and they said the eggs were too small and immature. So even though I ovulated, they would not be able to be fertilized.

Also, my fertility monitor didn't pick up an LH surge, so it didn't give me any peak days. This means my LH surge was really weak, which appears to be my major problem.

The nurse originally said that she thought I had PCOS because the ratio of FSH to LH was 3:1. However, in women with PCOS, the LH is almost always higher. Plus, my ultrasound did not reveal any abnormal cysts on my ovaries (yay!). You actually don't need cysts on your ovaries to be diagnosed with PCOS, but I really don't have any symptoms of PCOS other than slightly elevated insulin. She still might diagnose me with PCOS however, just to give my problem a name. :)

I've looked all over the internet and this is all I've been able to find about low LH levels:

"An inadequate LH release can cause a decrease in androstenedione from the theca cells. Less substrate results in a decrease in estradiol and, subsequently, lower progesterone levels. Additionally, a suboptimal LH surge at ovulation causes deficient progesterone because of inadequate luteinization of the granulosa cells."

That doesn't really explain why my eggs are immature (as evidenced by my ultrasound), because my FSH levels were fine.

Anyway, like I said before, the treatment will be the same, really. Metformin for elevated insulin, and Clomid to strength ovulation. 75% of women on Clomid ovulate, and if you ovulate you have a 40% chance of getting pregnant each cycle.

So, this 40% number really has me excited. I kind of feel a renewed interest in the whole pregnancy thing (I guess my interest was fading slightly this month because I was basically told I would not be able to get pregnant, plus I thought I wasn't ovulating).

I went out and bought some books yesterday, and I have my eyes set on a pregnancy journal where I can record all the events of my pregnancy. I will not buy it until I'm actually pregnant though. :)

Ugh, what's going on with my chart? It doesn't look like I ovulated yet, and I should have. I've been dieting lately - perhaps that messed up my cycle? Argh, I'm frustrated.

Today I have another bloodtest and an ultrasound, so perhaps we can get a better idea of what's going on because of that.

Wish me luck!

Well, when I did finally meet with the OB, she said my FSH hormone was elevated, incidating I have PCOS. So I was wrong when I previously said that my mentral hormoes where OK! I guess the nurse just didn't tell me over the phone.

I guess I have a really mild case, since I have regular periods and no other symptoms (other than extra weight in the middle).

I will have an ultrasound next week to check out the status of my follices, but I'm worried I'll ovulate before then. It will show whether or not I have cysts on my ovaries though. I will also do another blood test.

Pretty much regardless of what happens though, the treatment will be almost the same. Metformin (Glucophage) to lower my insulin, and Clomid to stregthen my ovulation.

Since I have high FSH though, I need to be careful of multiple ovulation. We'll hopefully be able to monitor that with monthly ultrasounds though. I'd really like to prevent multiples.

My blood tests came back yesterday. All my menstral hormones were OK (which is good) but my insulin was a little high. Some doctors diagnose insulin resistance at a fasting insulin level of 15. Most use a fasting insulin level of 20. Mine was 18. So my doctor is going to talk to me about it, perhaps put me on some medication (I'm assuming metaformin, which is supposed to me a nice, safe drug).

I go in to talk to the doctor this morning about it, so I'll write more after that. But, I did some reasearch, and they said that basically anyone over a certain weight will have like a near-100% chance of having insulin resistance. So, at my weight, my insulin level actually isn't too bad (since some doctors wouldn't even diagnose me with it officially). But, treating the insulin problem will help me get pregnant, and will help me lose weight. Both of which is FINE with me! :)

Today she will also talk to me about getting an ultrasound in the middle of my cycle (before I ovulate) to measure my pre-ovulation follicles. She will try to determine if they are mature enough to be fertilized. If they aren't mature, I assume I will be on Clomid next cycle. I will let you know!

I'm excited about the path I'm on though... lots of little problems popping up, but nothing too suprising, dangerous or unfixable. :) Let's keep it that way.

Not much going on... Stopped my period yesterday, so ovulation and BDing and my first HCG shot are coming up soon.

I didn't get the results of my blood test back yet, should find out more today.

So the OB appointment went really well I think. The bad news is, my OB looked at my charts and immediately said I have a luteal phase defect (LPD). Basically, my progesterone was too low after ovulation to support a pregnancy. The good news is, if this is indeed the only problem, it is a pretty easy problem to fix. :)

I'm so glad that I've been charting, otherwise she would have probably told me to just keep trying and see what happens (since all my x-rays look so good). But, when I showed her my charts, she basically said, "Aha, this is the problem!"

I'm also really glad that I got the fertility monitor. Since the fertility monitor picked up my LH surge last month, that means I probably have good LH/FSH levels. I am having a blood test in a few days to doublecheck that though.

If I have low LH/FSH levels as well, I will probably need Clomid (a fertility drug) to help with follicle production. This would mean that though my body is ovulating (as evidenced by my temperature charts) the follicles and eggs are not mature enough to result in pregnancy. Either the egg that is released is too immature to be penetrated by sperm, or the corpus luteum is not mature enough to produce enough progesterone to maintain a pregnancy. Or both.

Since my fertility monitor picked up some LH/FSH levels and since I do seem to be ovulating (if only weakly), the doctor wants to start treatment by giving me an HCG shot around ovulation, which will help the strength of my ovulation (but not the maturity of my follicles, if that is the main problem). Then, I will have progesterone treatment after ovulation to help support my uterine lining in preparation for implantation.

If my LH/FSH levels are low, or if the above treatment doesn't work, the next step is Clomid, which will increase the strength of my ovulation.

Then, if that doesn't work, we will go on to other treatments. Right now, the OB doesn't even want to bother with a sperm analysis or any other tests because we have a known problem right here.

So, like I said, I'm happy about all this. I think I've said it in my blog before, that I feel like if there is a problem, I just want to know what it is and get on with fixing it! :) Of course, I'd prefer everything to be perfect, but rarely in life it is. ;)

That being said, I started my period today. I can say that the last two months have been stronger cycles for me... I had the eggwhite CM and no early spotting (by the way, early spotting was a result of my low progesterone). So this can only help with the treatment. I'm happy I started my period today though, because that means I can get on with the fertility treatments. :)

So, I'll have my blood test on Monday. Wish me luck! Don't want to have hypothyrodism or some other blood issue, so cross your fingers for that. ;)

Temp still down... this chart is hopeless! :P I think I've totally given up on it (though I will never totally give up on a chart until AF shows up! :)

I have my OB appointment tomorrow, so I'm looking forward to that. Hopefully we can figure out what's going on (if anything).

Temp down a little bit, and kind of uglied up my chart. :( It is still a little higher than last month, but it doesn't look as nice. :)

Still no symptoms. Going back to work today (didn't go yesterday because it still hurt too much).

Well, my temp took a nice rise last night, which is a little different than last month. I'm worried about THIS month because so far it has looked exactly like last month, and last month I wasn't pregnant. So, the fact that this month my chart is looking a little better, and different, that's nice.

Still no symptoms. Back still hurts but I'm going to try to go to work this morning, I think.

Still nothing going on. Back is still hurting, but I can finally walk now at least. No signs of pregnancy or anything else exciting. Will post more later.

I hurt my back so it has been hard for me to post. But, no news anyway... still waiting for another week or so to see if this is our month. :)