Greetings from your parents

Dear baby,

It was only yesterday that I learned of your existence. I'm not sure who you,are, what you're like or how long you'll stay, but I'm sure happy you decided to turn my pregnancy tests pink.

Yesterday, when I was at work, I told Kevin (your dad, but I guess if you're reading this you'll know that) that I had to pee before we went out to eat. He said, "Oh! Take a pregnancy test!" A pretty good idea, I should have thought of it myself! You see, I had several pregnancy tests that were really light, but we were still not 100% sure that you were here.

So I took a styrofoam cup from next to the coffee machine and I went into the bathroom and peed in it! As soon as I dipped the test stick in, the color marched across the strip, and the positive result just jumped out. I could barely control myself! I went over to where Kevin was sitting at his desk, and I said, "Do you want to see the test?" Of course, I was grinning from ear to ear and he knew right away it was good. (Later in the day, Kevin did a rather brutal impression of me as I walked over to his desk... trying hard not to smile too much, but face distorted with happiness.)

The test was clearly positive, and clearly getting darker, so we let our hearts accept the fact that you exist.

I know that lots can happen. Especially at this point, so early. But you're here. Even if you decide my uterus isn't terribly hospitible and you leave before I can meet you face to face, you are here now. As Kevin said the other night, "I'm a Dad! Even if something bad happens later, I'm a Dad right now!"

You might be wondering why I keep saying things like, "if something happens," or "if you decide to leave." It's still early, you see, and we must protect our hearts a little. There is a lot that can go wrong at this point. Heck, I haven't even had a blood test yet! I've been suffering from infertility for more than a year now, and in the infertility world the numbers of miscarriages and other problems are well known. I hope you understand.

I mean, this blog itself is a great example. If you read the very few entries, where I think I'm feeling certain pregnancy symptoms, and wonder if it is possible I can be so lucky as to get pregnant on the first try, it shows how hopeful and naive I can be.

However, the very fact that I'm writing this, reflects a certain amount of hope that I'm allowing myself to feel. It may be stupid hope, but I hope not. If you're reading this, obviously I was right. If, a few months from now, I look back at this entry and reflect upon how hopeful and naive I was, thinking that a positive pregnancy test meant I was going to have a baby (HA! As if!)... well, so be it.

So... how are you doing in there? Right now, you're the size of... well, let's just say you're pretty damn small. Like maybe the size of the period at the end of this sentence. But, according to my bathroom scale, you already weigh 5 pounds! Haha, okay just kidding, that was the ice cream, I think.

Anyway, you are probably still just a ball of cells. In fact, not to be rude or anything, but you probably look kind of gross up close. I saw a picture, and, well, it's not pretty.

I can tell you though, you're already a freakin' genius. You've begun ordering your cells around, telling each beginning to become something different. "You! Over there! Get down and become the umbilical cord! You! Yes, YOU! You think you're smart? We'll see. You can be the central nervous system!" Just be careful though! One wrong move at this stage could take you from Bill Gates to Bill & Ted.

Are you a girl or a boy? You know right now, even though you haven't yet revealed the parts. Kevin says you're a girl, but I'm leaning towards a boy. If you're a boy, you're probably not reading this, is men are not into baby stuff as much. If you're a girl, maybe you're reading this right before you starting trying to have a baby of your own. My advice to you? Don't have sluggish ovaries or fibroids. Oh, and by the way, they are genetic traits, so it will be hard advice to follow.

So I thought it would be fun to type out some of my plans for your short period within my womb, your birth and the beginnings of your life.

The reason this will be fun is not because it is cute or well-prepared, but rather because a year from now I can look back and laugh at how stupid all my plans were. But hey, it is fun thinking about this stuff.

PREGNANCY:
- I'm going to try to eat well. Uh, starting, like tomorrow. I'm vegetarian, so I need to figure out how to eat to give you the best building materials. Of course, since you're virtually a parasite, you will just take what you need at my expense. Which is fine with me, go right ahead.

- I'm going to start doing my pregnancy video tapes. I actually have some good ones that promote stretching and connection to the baby. They're more difficult that they look, however.

- I will play music to you in the womb. Yes, I will play Bach and other classical music, but you also might get a little of The Beatles, Morrissey and maybe Jimmy Eat World.

- I want to learn a song, that I can sing well, so I can sing it throughout my pregnancy. Then, after you're born, I will softly sing this song to you. It will be soothing to you because it is familiar and it reminds you of the womb environment. Right now the best I have is "Part of Your World" from The Little Mermaid, which isn't very touching.

LABOR:
- I want to try to have as natural of a birth as possible, but I will forgive myself if I find it isn't possible. I'd like to have you without an epidural so you're more awake the first time we meet. And, I want to try various positions, so an epidural wouldn't be helpful for standing or squatting.

- I'd also like to have you placed on my chest immediately after birth, so we can say hello. I hate it when doctors display the baby quickly to the mother (like a worker at a deli will display a cut of cheese to make sure it is the right thickness, then pack it briskly away) and zip them off to perform tasks of momentous importance such as footprinting.

- I have also asked Kevin to make sure that he never leaves your side. If for whatever reason they have to take you away, he will go with you. There will be no mixups.

YOUR FIRST DAYS OF LIFE:
- I will do what I can to make it easy for you AND me. I want to relax and not stress. If you cry, I will help you. I don't believe in letting a baby "cry it out." God, how frustrating is that? Your only means of communication is crying. How horrible must it be to try to communicate, but no one listens? No, I will be there when you cry.

- I want you to sleep with me. I know it isn't totally safe to have a baby in the adult bed, so I'm going to get a mini-crib thing that hooks up with the side of the bed. So you'll be sitting right next to me, and I can reach over and pat your belly whenever I want, but you're also safe in your own protected little zone. Do babies snore? I'm a light sleeper, so don't snore, okay? Of course, both Kevin and I snore a little bit, so I hope YOU are not a light sleeper too. :)

- You might not have a nursery when you're born. Is that bad of me? Does it make me a bad mother? It just seems like a waste of money. You won't really care, right? Anyway, you'll be sleeping in our room. We have a room picked out for you already of course, and I'm sure I'll get a diaper changing station and a dresser for all your little clothes, but I hope you don't actually live there for some time. Then, we can skip the "baby" stage of the nursery and skip right to the toddler stage. Instead of baby bears you'll go right to baseball (or whatever). If this pisses you off, kick me twice. . . . Didn't feel anything, so I figure it is okay. (I know, I know, you don't have legs yet. But if you really didn't like it, you would have made it known!) Anyway, I figure the babies usually want to be with their parents as much as possible, at least in the beginning. It's nice to have someone actually LIKE me that much, and I want to keep you around. :)

- I'm not going to be snobbish about your furniture of clothes. You may end up with a lot of used things from garage sales or second hand stores. Why would I spend 100 bucks on an outfit you're going to puke on in 5 minutes? In fact, I already have two cute items I bought for 25 cents (each, not combined, sheesh I'm not that cheap) at a garage sale a year ago. One is a white turtle neck ribbed shirt. It is so cute. Another is a tan sweater with a furry bear on the front. They are pretty big, so you'll have to grow for a several months to a year before you can wear them, but they will sure look cute until you puke on them. (By the way, this is not to say that

- I will, however, splurge on important things, such as: the best baby car seat, a very good breast pump so I can breastfeed while working, and freakin' cool toys. I'm sure there are other things that are important, but I can't think of any right now. But they're think that I think you would appreciate, things that influence your safety and your heath, rather than things that make you cute. :)

- I will try as hard as I possibly can to breastfeed you as long as I possibly can. I will not feel like a failure if I can't do it, but I will keep trying even if it is hard. Unfortuately I will have to go back to work very soon after you're born, but I will try to pump at work so that you can have the benefit of my breast milk. That said, I won't breast feed you once you can talk! That just freaks me out, sorry. So it it while you can. :)

Hmm... all this talk about breast milk has given me a craving for ice cream. So I'd better go.

I hope this point doesn't seem stupid a week from now. I hope it ends up being touching and toughtful, rather than naive and overly optimistic. You do your part to stay in there, and I'll do mine. Kevin gives us a 70% chance of having a healthy baby at this point. Hey, I'll take it.

Love,

Mom