18 weeks

Hi Baby,

Tomorrow is the magical date. 18 weeks. It's a big milestone because it is typically a cutoff point for miscarriages - at this point, you're almost certainly having a baby. Of course, nasty things can happen. Premature birth. A knot in the umbilical cord (don't let that happen, please!). Etc. But, those things are rare.

I have to deal with the fact, however, that I have this giant fibroid. And it is probably growing. So far, it isn't caused any problems other than me being bigger than I should be - the OB said I measured 20 weeks when at the time I was 16.5 weeks.

The ultrasound technician also said that given the current location of the fibroid, there would be no way to have a natural childbirth. However, you will continue to grow, so I'm hoping that you push the bugger out of the way. Before I got pregnant the fibroid was in a good location (at the top of the uterus, out of the way) but now that you're growing inside, you've pushed everything over. It is also possible that I have new fibroids growing, in new locations. Well, we'll see. Though I want a vagnial childbirth, I want you to be heathly even MORE.

Another quick note - I had by Alfa-fetal proteins checked at 16 weeks as well. This test checks for Down's Syndrom, Spina Bifida and other problems. The normal result is that you have a 1 in 2000 chance of getting those things. If you get a 1 in 2000 result, they don't do any further testing for those things. If you get an "elevated risk" result (like 1 in 200) then they will do further testing, leading up to an amniocentisis. However, my results were 1 in 5000! Yes, a very good result. So, it is very, very likely that you don't have any of those things. And we shall test for them no more.

I bought a slew of maternity clothing yesterday. Yes, at work I told my boss I was pregnant (on, I think, Tuesday) and through the rest of the week I told others here and there. So the word is out. I'm now the pregnant chick at work. So, I'm free to wear maternity clothing (whereas since I was hiding the pregnancy before, I had to cover up and just wear fat clothing). I bought some stuff online in one particular size that fit me a few months ago, but once I got the stuff, even though I haven't gained any weight since then, it doesn't fit me now. So I had to get a bigger size. It kind of freaks me out because that means that I'm not getting fatter - it's YOU who are making my clothes not fit. Or maybe the fibroid? Ugh. Oh well. I thought that maternity clothes were supposed to grow with you or something? Like, they were supposed to accomodate a giant belly? Well, whatever, they fit for now. Hopefully I won't have to go buy MORE clothes later on. If that happens, I'll probably just end up wearing t-shirts all the time to work. How inappropriate.

Work is going pretty well though. I got a promotion and am now in charge of the department. I get to hire two new employees who will report to me. I have a few applicants who are REALLY good - but, unfortunately, I may not be able to pay enough to get them. The company has a set price in mind for each position, but I'm going to try to see if they'll pay more for really good people. It will be fun having a staff again. I used to have like 5 people reporting to me and I think I was really good. Everyone had their daily assigned job duties, but I would give everyone extracurricular duties as well, like investigating a solution for our archives or revamping something on the web site. It worked really well that way.

Anyway, how am I feeling? Okay, I guess, considering. I have pregnancy rhinitis - which basically means a stuffy nose (this is VERY common). Not only do I have a stuff nose, but my sinuses are swollen (again, very common) and the two don't go well together. Basically, this means that I have a constantly stuffed up nose. So stuffed up that I can't breath through my nose at all, most of the time. This wouldn't be so bad except that I can't breath through my mouth when I'm sleeping (I'm not sure if that's true for everyone or just me) so it makes it really hard to get good sleep. If, for whatever reason, my nose clears up a little bit, I try to run and go take a nap (if I can).

The other problem the runny nose causes is that during the day I have a lot of mucous running down my throat. First, this triggers my gag reflex (which is going CRAZZZEEEE these days) so if it gets bad I have to blow my nose immediately, or I risk throwing up. Second, the mucous gets in my stomach and makes me even more queasy than I already am. So, these two things combined means that I actually feel a little sicker than I did when I actually had morning sickness. There are frequent times throughout the day when something will make me gag or when I need to blow my nose and I have to struggle not to throw up.

And, of course, the gag reflex thing makes it hard to brush my teeth. Unfortunately, I have a little obsession about brushing my teeth really well, and also my tongue. I can't go to work if I haven't brushed my tongue - it's like not brushing my teeth at all. It's gross. The problem is that when I brush my tongue I always tread dangerously close to throwing up, and have, in fact, on several occasions, thrown up into the sink after trying to brush my tongue. But, it is not something I can compromise on. My tongue must be brushed.

Anyway, I have another ultrasound in two weeks. This will be the big one where they look at you very closely and measure everything to make sure everything is in the right place and there are no problems we need to worry about. This is also the best time to tell the sex. So, I beg of you to please try to get into a good position so we can see your, uh, private parts, ok? Usually you're so modest. But hey, just this once, let it all hang out!

Oh, one more thing before I go (my nose has just cleared up quite a bit and I want to run upstairs and see if I can get some sleep). I LOVED seeing you at my last ultrasound! When we went to the OB at 16 weeks, she couldn't find your heartbeat on the doppler (again!) so we were off to get another emergency ultrasound to make sure you were still alive.

So we go to the hospital and the lady starts checking me. Her wand is going all over my belly, up and down everywhere, and she doesn't say anything for quite a while. Finally I ask, "Did you find the baby?" "Yes," she answers, "it is up here" while pointing to a spot to the right of my belly button. "Did you see a heartbeat?" "No," she says, and pauses for a long, terrible moment. "But I did see the baby moving a lot." Phew! So everything was okay.

At the end of the appointment Kevin got to come in and we both got a chance to look at you. You were curled up in a ball, facing downwards, with your head looking away (so we couldn't get a cute profile shot). However, you were moving more than we had ever seen before. You would curl up into a ball, and then stretch your legs out behind you, kind of like you felt cramped. I felt a little bad because if you feel cramped at 16 weeks, how is it going to be at 35 weeks! Then, there was another time when you stretched out your arms, and then slowly and deliberately brought your hand up to your face. You were probably sucking your thumb, though we couldn't actually see that. We could just see that you were holding your hand up to your mouth. God, it was so cute. It was just like an old baby with slow, deliberate movements. You know when babies are born they flail their little arms around and they have no control - it is because they are not yet used to being out of the liquid environment of the womb. But, inside the womb you've got great control, and you look just like a real baby. Well, you ARE a real baby, I guess, but you know what I mean, right?

That ultrasound session has really changed your dad, as well. He said he almost cried, seeing you move around in there. (I didn't even come close to crying, isn't that odd? As emotional and as easy to tear as I am? It just still doesn't seem real to me, I guess.) Now, he is treating me like I'm pregnant. I'm not allowed to carry anything. I'm not allowed to walk in the snow. I'm not allowed to drive place by myself. It's cute, most of the time. Man, I love your dad so much!

Anyway, I gotta go. Going to try to go back to bed. I love you baby, and I can't wait to meet you. Just a few more months to go! Hang in there!

Love,

Mom

New picture

Don't have much time to post, but here is a new picture! 12 weeks and 3 days.

This time you measured 13 weeks, you always measure ahead. Such an overachiever.

Maybe you'll be born on my mom's birthday afterall. :) But I'm sticking with July 4th as the due date for now anyway!

First OB appointment

Pregnancy Day: 76 (10w6d)
Gestational Age: 62 days (8w6d)

Dear Baby,

It's funny, looking back through my last entry, how tired I must have been when I wrote that. But unfortunately, I went to bed that night and just layed there. I couldn't sleep! It was terrible. I probably slept 2 hours.

Needless to say, the next day at work was terrible. I felt sick all day and so tired. Luckily I was very busy at work so the day went by quickly.

Anyway, so I went to my first appointment with my new OB. She's very pretty and young, and seems to have a good understanding of the most recent medical techniques. For example, I talked to her about my situation with progesterone and how the other doctor told me how (and when) I should stop taking it, and she kind of shrugged and said, "That's fine. The most recent medical evidence shows that progesterone doesn't really hurt or help anyway."

She also felt my tummy and could definitely feel the fibroid there. She was a little surprised it was so big, I think, even though I told her the measurements already.

The funniest part of the appointment was when she checked my cervix. We had talked about my bleeding problems for quite a while already (she was very concerned) so I was anxious to hear what she saw when she looked in there. Happily, she said my cervix was totally normal, and there was no blood to be seen anywhere! Then, she ran a q-tip across my cervix (to get cells for a pap-smear) and she said there was blood on the q-tip. That confirms it - my cervix bleeds at the mere slightest touch. So vaginal ultrasounds or progesterone supplements will easily cause bleeding. A sensitive cervix is not a problem and is very common so at this point I have nothing to worry about.

I was very relieved! This means that there was no bleeding from inside the uterus at all - it was all my cervix. And it is all normal. Yay!

For about two weeks, I haven't had any bleeding at all, but I had a little tiny bit today. It could be from my OB appointment, or it could be just irritation from the suppositories. Hopefully, I will be able to stop taking them soon.

I took a blood test on Friday, testing me for various diseases and immunities, and also testing my progesterone. I went off the supplements cold turkey on Thursday, so when I had my blood test on Friday I had been supplement-free for more than 24 hours. The level of progesterone in my blood will tell me if it is safe to stop taking them, or if I need to for a while. I'm pretty confident that it will be fine and I'll be able to stop taking them. It will be a big relief for me!

I have another appointment in two weeks, when I will be 12 weeks and 3 days pregnant. She will attempt to hear your heartbeat on doppler, so that will be fun. After that, I won't get another ultrasound until probably 20 weeks! I was spoiled at the RE, getting an ultrasound once a week. :) I tried to convince her that I needed more ultrasounds because of the fibroid (to monitor its progress) but she didn't think that was necessary until much later in the pregnancy. And she's right.

It was really cute during the appointment, the doctor asked if we had decided on a pediatrician yet. Kevin sat up and smiled, surprised. The doctor asked what was wrong, and he said he was taken off guard by the thought that we would have a child to deal with after all was said and done! I was like, Yeah, that's kind of the point of this pregnancy thing! :) It was so cute.

Anyway I gotta go, I'm trying to finish the laundry. I'm so slow these days, trying not to hurt my back (it's kind of sore) and trying not to squeeze my tummy. There have been a few times when I bent over funny and my lower abdomen hurt for a minute. Don't want to do that anymore!

Talk to you later!

Love,

Mom

So Tired

Pregnancy Day: 70 (10w0d)

Gestational Age: 56 days (8w0d)

Dear Baby,

I'm so freakin' tired. I'm sorry that I haven't posted for 3 weeks (wow, three weeks) but I've been asleep. The. Entire. Time.

I'm almost serious. I wake up, go to work, sleep in the car on the way home, take a 2 - 3 hour nap when I get home, eat dinner, then go to sleep at 10 pm. On the weekends, I will take 2 naps a day. Sometimes, on the ride home, I'll be in the middle of telling Kevin something, and I will fall asleep mid-sentence. It's rude, I know, but what can I do?

The first trimester is almost over though, so this fatigue should get better soon. Wow, the first trimester is almost over! That is like one-third of the way done, and I feel like I just found out about you.

I'll try to give you a quick update on my pregnancy so far:

1. Still bleeding. I had a pretty bad bleeding episode last week, in fact, where a blood clot came out that was the size of a HOCKEY PUCK. Do you know how big that is? Anyway, my doctor said that because I still have absolutely no cramping, it means that the blood clots are not coming from inside my uterus (because if they did, they would definitely cause cramping, they're so big). The doctor thinks that there is just a blood vessel in my uterus that is seeping blood, and the blood slowly drips from my cervix, and pools around my cervix at the back of my vagina (I'm too tired to think of cute words to use instead of vagina, so deal with it. VAGINA.) where it forms clots. The clots then fall out every few days, causing the "bleeding episodes" as I affectionately call them. My doctor thinks that it will stop at around 10 weeks. Which is now! So let's hope it does stop, it will be a big weight off my shoulders. I haven't bled for 3 or 4 days now (but, that's not a record. I've had no bleeding for four days before, just to have one of my worst bleeding episodes on the fifth day).

2. I'm still taking 3 100mg progesterone suppositories a day. Note that this is a little tampon-shaped device that I must stick in three times a day, which then melts and drips out. Lovely, eh? But hey, I'll do whatever it takes if it helps you out.

The doctor wants me to stay on the suppositories until I stop bleeding. Which I hope it soon.

3. I had my last visit with the reproductive endocrinologist (where he told me all about the two things I mentioned, above). He has now pawned me off on a normal OB. It's almost like I'm a normal pregnant woman now! I have my first appointment with her this Thursday. I have a lot to talk about:

a. Bleeding
b. Vegetarian
c. Fibroid
d. Progesterone supplements

Uh, I'm sure there is more, but I'm too tired right now. Did I mention I was tired?

4. Anyway, the new OB's office is right next to my work, so it should make it easy to go to office visits. I have to choose which hospital I want to deliver at (she is associated with several), so over the next month or so I need to tour the hospitals and see which I like best. I want one with a room where the baby can sleep-in, and I want one with the best Level III NeoNatal Intensive Care Unit. So far, none of the three hospitals where I wanted to go have a Level III NICU, so I might end up compromising for a hospital that is associated with another hospital who has a Level III NICU. There is a hospital that I'm leaning towards, because one of the nurses I spoke with said it was SO GREAT and everything was brand new. I like that kind of thing, but I still have to take the tours.

5. Within the next 2 months or so, I have to start thinking about child care options. There is a place right next to work where I'd like to go, but it has a 6-month waiting list. 6 months!? You practically have to put your name on the list before you start trying to conceive.

My idea is that you'll drive with us to work (me and Kevin can switch off driving, so the other one can ride with you in the back seat!), we drop you off at day care, then I can stop by to breastfeed two or three times a day. (The center is maybe a 3 minute drive from work.) Then we drive home together. So really, we'll only be apart for 6 hours a day, during which time you'll probably be sleeping anyway.

6. Cravings... haven't had too many. There are times when everything in the kitchen is hideously disgusting except ONE THING. So I have to eat that one thing. That's not really a craving though, is it? So far, the non-disgusting things have been fruit snacks and veggie burgers.

7. Morning sickness... I had one throwing up episode, but that's it! I've been feeling better recently too, so I'm happy about that. I used to be tired and sick, and now I've traded in the sick for an extra helping of tired.

8. Oh yeah, pictures:



Here is an illustration which looks just like the ultrasound:



You can see the little umbilical cord coming from the stomach, and the little head. Your kind of slouching though, you should stand up straight!

Gotta go to sleep. So tired. Good night.

Food is bad, mkay?

Pregnancy Day: 60 (8w4d)
Gestational Age: 46 days (6w4d)

Here is something I posted on the message boards today, which describes well how I'm feeling:

I can tell I'm hungry, but my stomach is so queasy that I don't feel hungry. Plus, everything in the fridge is disgusting.

I find the only thing I can eat is ice cream and fruit snacks (luckily, I've done pretty well not to only eat those things, but that's all I FEEL like eating). I went out and bought 4 boxes of fruit snacks and 2 gallons of ice cream last night. I feel like I can only eat things that are sweet, clean and cold. For some reason, anything that I feel is "dirty" (like an egg or salad or cheese or anything warm) is really gross.

This morning, I threw up while brushing my teeth, and now I feel like I'm on the permanent verge of throwing up. I don't really feel nausea, per se, just like I feel stuff could come up in my throat. It is really gross and makes me not want to eat.

But, I'm just going to eat what I can, when I can, and keep taking my vitamins! :)

First portrait

Pregnancy Day: 49 (7w0d)
Gestational Age: 35 days (5w0d)

Dear baby,

You have eyes now, and your intestines, hopefully, are starting to migrate from the umbilical cord (where they were originally formed) into your body cavity.

Here are the pictures I have so far:

5 weeks, 4 days


6 weeks, 4 days


6 weeks, 4 days


I had some more bleeding tonight. It is so scary to see blood. I might ask for some blood tests to make sure everything is OK tomorrow. Unless it totally goes away, in which can I can probably last until my next ultrasound on Thursday.

Please stick around, baby. I want to meet you more than anything.

Love,

Mom

Bloodwork and bleeding

Crazy day today.

Had my first ultrasound and saw the gestational sac. HCG was 7,786 and progesterone was 31.

Later, at work, I started to bleed.

It's been about 6 hours since the bleeding started, and it has basically almost come to a stop. There is just a very small spot or two now on the TP.

I have decided that it is because of the vaginal ultrasound. I have a big fibroid, and the tech really had to dig for quite a long time around to see the gestational sac. At first I didn't think that could be it because I've had so many vaginal ultrasounds in the past and never had a problem. However, I've done a lot of research about how the cervix engorges with blood during pregnancy, making it easier for a crazy woman with a wand to make a overly-worried pregnant girl bleed.

I hope I'm right, and that the bleeding doesn't come back. :(

Please stick around, baby.

Happy Halloween, Baby!

Pregnancy Day: 34 (4w6d)
Gestational Age: 20 days (2w6d)

Dear Baby,

Today, the little neighborhood kids came by our house to beg for candy. We got a bunch of miniature candy bars from the grocery store a few days ago, but then your dad ate a bunch of them, so I had to get more earlier today. Then we gave out most of the candy half way through the night, so Kevin had to go get more. :) Fortunately, or maybe unfortunately, almost all of the stuff Kevin got is left, so we'll have a lot of treats over the next few, uh, hours.

So how are you doing in there? You're almost 20 days old now. Wow, in your twenties! You have the beginnings of a brain, bronchial gills and you are no longer just a ball of cells. You don't have a beating heart yet, but it should come within the next week and a half or so. That's really a big step! I hope everything is working out for you. There are so many things that can go wrong, so I hope you figure it all out. I really want to get to know you!

I showed your dad a picture of what you look like at this stage, and he said you looked just like this primordial larvae that he read about in biology class. He's right, you look a little like something that could be found floating around on the ocean floor. Don't worry though, you'll look a little more human in a few weeks.

I'm trying to do everything I can to help you. I'm trying to eat better, and I've done pretty well, though I ate some french fries tonight. Not too many though! I had lots of vegetables and drank some orange juice. And had eggs for breakfast.

I've been sleeping a lot... last night I slept about 12 hours, and then I woke up to try to do some work, got sleepy again, and fell asleep on the couch. Then I woke up, went to the bathroom, got sleepy again, and went back to bed. I think I ended up sleeping for 16 hours. You must be sucking a lot of energy from my system! That's okay though, I hereby give it to you willingly. :)

My first ultrasound is Wednesday, and we hope to be able to see the beggings of the "fetal pole". We almost surely won't be able to hear your heartbeat, because it probably won't be beating at that point. :) I'll probably have another ultrasound in a week or so in the hopes of seeing a heartbeat.

Symptoms so far: No nausea or sickness, just sore boobs and fatigue. Some frequency of urination, but not much. Kinda hoping for some nausea actually, since that is an indicator of a strong pregnancy. So kick up those hormones hun! Show me what you got!

Talk to you later!

Love,

Mom

Doubling

Not much time to post: 441 HCG, more than double.

Progesterone: 41

First ultrasound next Wednesday.

Hang in there lil guy. :)

Positive blood test

Dear Baby,

Yesterday I had a positive blood test. You are producing enough HCG that I got a 188 on my Beta! That's a good number and in the upper range.

Tomorrow I go in for my second beta. It is supposed to double to indicate a healthy pregnancy. So keep pumping the stuff out so I can get a good result. :)

Talk to you later,

Mom

The online announcement

Dear Baby,

Some people congratulated me today, and I thought you'd think it was fun to read what they said. A little history first: As part of my TTC journey, I have frequented two main infertility communities, a group for maillist for women who are TTC and a message board for those with high FSH who are TTC.

It's odd, but I don't post much with the maillinglist group... they tend to have problems with PCOS and other problems, which I do not have. So I seem to relate more with the high FSH women. Now, the mailinglist group is very sensitive, and about once a month there is a little blowup where someone posts about their pregnancy discovery, and then it makes everyone sad. In fact, there is a rule: you can announce your pregnancy once, announce the first beta doubling, and announce the heartbeat, but you're not allowed to talk about your pregnancy otherwise.

So, I decided not to inform the mailing list, but I did post on the FSH board. Here is my first post:

Hi everyone!

It is 12dpiui and I just got the faintest pink line on my FRER pregnancy test. It is so faint you can't see it if you hold it at arm's length, but if you look close it is there.It wouldn't count as a positive by FRER standards, but I remember other infertility women say that any line that's pink is a good sign.I did have an HCG shot, but it's been 14 days since then.I will of course test again tomorrow or in a few days, but on a scale of 1 - 10, how optimistic should I be? I've never had even a spec of pink on any test before and I've been TTC 1 year, so I'm causiously hopeful right now.
Here is my BBT chart, if you're interested:
http://www2.fertilityfriend.com/home/291e9
Thanks!Christine

Basically, everyone posted that I should go get a Beta test. :) But, I waited another day, and I posted this:

Hi guys!
So yesterday I posted about the faintest line in history.
Well, I tested again that night and it got a little darker.
Then I tested again this morning and it got a little darker.
Then I tested again just now (at work! haha!) and it is almost as dark as the control line maybe 70% as dark).
Currently I'm 13 dpiui.
So, I guess tomorrow I will test again and call my doc to schedule a beta. Do you get the beta results the same day? Wow I'm so excited. I hope this works.
So far I've had no symptoms... maybe a little fullness in my uterus like my period was going to start, but it seems like that's been happening almost since my IUI, so it might have to do with that. My boobs hurt after my HCG shot (15 days ago now!) but they don't hurt as much now. I hope I get some symptoms soon. I feel kind of sick to my stomach now, but I think it's because I'm so darn happy.
My husband said, "Right now, at this moment, I'm a dad! No matter what happens, I'm a dad!" Isn't that the cutest thing ever?
MelissaCA: Playing Sims2 got me pregnant, hope it does for you as well! Thanks everyone!
Christine

The Sims reference is due to the fact that I posted something about my character getting pregnant in the Sims2 game, and people said that maybe it was a sign of things to come. ;)

So, here were my congratulatory posts from the other members:

Omg... BFP. (possible pg mentioned!) View Thread - Christine on Oct 24, 7:53 PM
YEAH!!!! - CJ on Oct 24, 8:52 PM
Like they say.... - PatriciaCA on Oct 24, 10:22 PM
Wonderful!!! I Am Keeping My Fingers Crossed for a - Melissa on Oct 25, 3:49 AM
PUPO - trishfPA on Oct 25, 6:28 AM
Congratulations! - SaraD on Oct 25, 6:53 AM
Woo hoo!! - Melissa CA on Oct 25, 7:52 AM
Congrats Christine - have a healthy pg. nt - Ann on Oct 25, 9:07 AM
Congratulations! - Wendy on Oct 25, 10:20 AM
Wonderful news!! - CarynD on Oct 25, 10:48 AM
YIPPEE!!!! Can't wait for the confirmation! nt - percy on Oct 25, 12:05 PM
Good Luck, Christine! - P.F. on Oct 25, 12:27 PM
congrats! - suz on Oct 25, 12:45 PM
Christine :) - Julie on Oct 25, 2:39 PM
My protocol - Christine on Oct 25, 8:40 PM
baby Paige!!! - Belen on Oct 25, 5:14 PM

Isn't that nice? It makes me feel so good.

Now, Baby, you must stay around, or I will be forced to posted a sad message, and it will bum everyone out. So stick to the uterus for another 9 months or so, OK? :)

Love,

Mom

Greetings from your parents

Dear baby,

It was only yesterday that I learned of your existence. I'm not sure who you,are, what you're like or how long you'll stay, but I'm sure happy you decided to turn my pregnancy tests pink.

Yesterday, when I was at work, I told Kevin (your dad, but I guess if you're reading this you'll know that) that I had to pee before we went out to eat. He said, "Oh! Take a pregnancy test!" A pretty good idea, I should have thought of it myself! You see, I had several pregnancy tests that were really light, but we were still not 100% sure that you were here.

So I took a styrofoam cup from next to the coffee machine and I went into the bathroom and peed in it! As soon as I dipped the test stick in, the color marched across the strip, and the positive result just jumped out. I could barely control myself! I went over to where Kevin was sitting at his desk, and I said, "Do you want to see the test?" Of course, I was grinning from ear to ear and he knew right away it was good. (Later in the day, Kevin did a rather brutal impression of me as I walked over to his desk... trying hard not to smile too much, but face distorted with happiness.)

The test was clearly positive, and clearly getting darker, so we let our hearts accept the fact that you exist.

I know that lots can happen. Especially at this point, so early. But you're here. Even if you decide my uterus isn't terribly hospitible and you leave before I can meet you face to face, you are here now. As Kevin said the other night, "I'm a Dad! Even if something bad happens later, I'm a Dad right now!"

You might be wondering why I keep saying things like, "if something happens," or "if you decide to leave." It's still early, you see, and we must protect our hearts a little. There is a lot that can go wrong at this point. Heck, I haven't even had a blood test yet! I've been suffering from infertility for more than a year now, and in the infertility world the numbers of miscarriages and other problems are well known. I hope you understand.

I mean, this blog itself is a great example. If you read the very few entries, where I think I'm feeling certain pregnancy symptoms, and wonder if it is possible I can be so lucky as to get pregnant on the first try, it shows how hopeful and naive I can be.

However, the very fact that I'm writing this, reflects a certain amount of hope that I'm allowing myself to feel. It may be stupid hope, but I hope not. If you're reading this, obviously I was right. If, a few months from now, I look back at this entry and reflect upon how hopeful and naive I was, thinking that a positive pregnancy test meant I was going to have a baby (HA! As if!)... well, so be it.

So... how are you doing in there? Right now, you're the size of... well, let's just say you're pretty damn small. Like maybe the size of the period at the end of this sentence. But, according to my bathroom scale, you already weigh 5 pounds! Haha, okay just kidding, that was the ice cream, I think.

Anyway, you are probably still just a ball of cells. In fact, not to be rude or anything, but you probably look kind of gross up close. I saw a picture, and, well, it's not pretty.

I can tell you though, you're already a freakin' genius. You've begun ordering your cells around, telling each beginning to become something different. "You! Over there! Get down and become the umbilical cord! You! Yes, YOU! You think you're smart? We'll see. You can be the central nervous system!" Just be careful though! One wrong move at this stage could take you from Bill Gates to Bill & Ted.

Are you a girl or a boy? You know right now, even though you haven't yet revealed the parts. Kevin says you're a girl, but I'm leaning towards a boy. If you're a boy, you're probably not reading this, is men are not into baby stuff as much. If you're a girl, maybe you're reading this right before you starting trying to have a baby of your own. My advice to you? Don't have sluggish ovaries or fibroids. Oh, and by the way, they are genetic traits, so it will be hard advice to follow.

So I thought it would be fun to type out some of my plans for your short period within my womb, your birth and the beginnings of your life.

The reason this will be fun is not because it is cute or well-prepared, but rather because a year from now I can look back and laugh at how stupid all my plans were. But hey, it is fun thinking about this stuff.

PREGNANCY:
- I'm going to try to eat well. Uh, starting, like tomorrow. I'm vegetarian, so I need to figure out how to eat to give you the best building materials. Of course, since you're virtually a parasite, you will just take what you need at my expense. Which is fine with me, go right ahead.

- I'm going to start doing my pregnancy video tapes. I actually have some good ones that promote stretching and connection to the baby. They're more difficult that they look, however.

- I will play music to you in the womb. Yes, I will play Bach and other classical music, but you also might get a little of The Beatles, Morrissey and maybe Jimmy Eat World.

- I want to learn a song, that I can sing well, so I can sing it throughout my pregnancy. Then, after you're born, I will softly sing this song to you. It will be soothing to you because it is familiar and it reminds you of the womb environment. Right now the best I have is "Part of Your World" from The Little Mermaid, which isn't very touching.

LABOR:
- I want to try to have as natural of a birth as possible, but I will forgive myself if I find it isn't possible. I'd like to have you without an epidural so you're more awake the first time we meet. And, I want to try various positions, so an epidural wouldn't be helpful for standing or squatting.

- I'd also like to have you placed on my chest immediately after birth, so we can say hello. I hate it when doctors display the baby quickly to the mother (like a worker at a deli will display a cut of cheese to make sure it is the right thickness, then pack it briskly away) and zip them off to perform tasks of momentous importance such as footprinting.

- I have also asked Kevin to make sure that he never leaves your side. If for whatever reason they have to take you away, he will go with you. There will be no mixups.

YOUR FIRST DAYS OF LIFE:
- I will do what I can to make it easy for you AND me. I want to relax and not stress. If you cry, I will help you. I don't believe in letting a baby "cry it out." God, how frustrating is that? Your only means of communication is crying. How horrible must it be to try to communicate, but no one listens? No, I will be there when you cry.

- I want you to sleep with me. I know it isn't totally safe to have a baby in the adult bed, so I'm going to get a mini-crib thing that hooks up with the side of the bed. So you'll be sitting right next to me, and I can reach over and pat your belly whenever I want, but you're also safe in your own protected little zone. Do babies snore? I'm a light sleeper, so don't snore, okay? Of course, both Kevin and I snore a little bit, so I hope YOU are not a light sleeper too. :)

- You might not have a nursery when you're born. Is that bad of me? Does it make me a bad mother? It just seems like a waste of money. You won't really care, right? Anyway, you'll be sleeping in our room. We have a room picked out for you already of course, and I'm sure I'll get a diaper changing station and a dresser for all your little clothes, but I hope you don't actually live there for some time. Then, we can skip the "baby" stage of the nursery and skip right to the toddler stage. Instead of baby bears you'll go right to baseball (or whatever). If this pisses you off, kick me twice. . . . Didn't feel anything, so I figure it is okay. (I know, I know, you don't have legs yet. But if you really didn't like it, you would have made it known!) Anyway, I figure the babies usually want to be with their parents as much as possible, at least in the beginning. It's nice to have someone actually LIKE me that much, and I want to keep you around. :)

- I'm not going to be snobbish about your furniture of clothes. You may end up with a lot of used things from garage sales or second hand stores. Why would I spend 100 bucks on an outfit you're going to puke on in 5 minutes? In fact, I already have two cute items I bought for 25 cents (each, not combined, sheesh I'm not that cheap) at a garage sale a year ago. One is a white turtle neck ribbed shirt. It is so cute. Another is a tan sweater with a furry bear on the front. They are pretty big, so you'll have to grow for a several months to a year before you can wear them, but they will sure look cute until you puke on them. (By the way, this is not to say that

- I will, however, splurge on important things, such as: the best baby car seat, a very good breast pump so I can breastfeed while working, and freakin' cool toys. I'm sure there are other things that are important, but I can't think of any right now. But they're think that I think you would appreciate, things that influence your safety and your heath, rather than things that make you cute. :)

- I will try as hard as I possibly can to breastfeed you as long as I possibly can. I will not feel like a failure if I can't do it, but I will keep trying even if it is hard. Unfortuately I will have to go back to work very soon after you're born, but I will try to pump at work so that you can have the benefit of my breast milk. That said, I won't breast feed you once you can talk! That just freaks me out, sorry. So it it while you can. :)

Hmm... all this talk about breast milk has given me a craving for ice cream. So I'd better go.

I hope this point doesn't seem stupid a week from now. I hope it ends up being touching and toughtful, rather than naive and overly optimistic. You do your part to stay in there, and I'll do mine. Kevin gives us a 70% chance of having a healthy baby at this point. Hey, I'll take it.

Love,

Mom

The faint pink line continues to live on

Well, last night (after the initial faint line) I took another FRER test and it showed another line, perhaps darker. Now when I say "darker" I mean it was barely darker, you almost couldn't tell the difference. Kevin and I did many tests where we mixed the tests up and covered up the numbers (1 & 2 to tell the difference) I wrote on them with black marker, then tried to determine which was darker. We always chose #2.

So this morning, I purchased another pregnancy test ("Answer") that claims to detect pregnancy early. Unfortunately, it ended up being made by the same company! It looks like it is just the cheap version of the FRER test, with no cap to go over the urine collection swab (looks like I won't be keeping this test in my scrapbook!). Gross!

But, it showed about the same results, probably slightly lighter than the FRER tests, but a pink line is definitely there.

The day after tomorrow will be the first day of my missed period (I will surely miss it even if I'm not pregnant since I'm on progesterone supplements, so not getting my period tomorrow doesn't mean anything). So I will take a good test, like an ept or Clear Blue Easy. I guess we'll see what those say.

Boobs were a little sore yesterday, but not so much this morning (was hoping for an increase in symptoms...)

A faint pink line

So I haven't posted for a while... not much to say. I have had some sore boobs and stuff, but I could tell that was caused by the HCG shot. I have also had this full feeling in my uterus, almost like I was going to start my period, even though it is too early for that. It might be the progesterone, or it might just be a side effect of my IUI.

Anyway, so this morning, I took a First Response Early Result pregnancy test.

There was a very faint, pink line that showed up within a minute or so.

Now, let me take a moment to describe this line, and you'll realize why this post doesn't start off with "OH MY GOD I'M PREGNANT!!" or something. You see, the line was so faint, that it was almost hard to see. If you held it at arm's length, you almost couldn't see it. But if you looked close... there it was. It's so faint that one side of the line fades into nothing... though the other side is darker.

Kevin agreed it was there. He can confirm it, so it isn't like I'm making things up.

There are some things that you should know about my situation.

First, the test was read within the given time frame (they say that if you read a test the next day and it shows a slight positive, it is not accurate).

Second, I did have an HCG trigger shot which puts pregnancy hormone into my bloodstream. But, that was 14 days ago, and HCG should be out of your system within 8 - 10 days. Maybe I just don't disperse the HCG has quickly as others, and my pregnancy test detected some leftover HCG from my trigger shot?

Third, it is only 12 days past my IUI, so it's REALLY early. In fact, it was ludicrous to test! Insane! Mononic! But for some reason I did it.

Fourth, there is something called "evaporation lines" on pregnancy tests. These are spots on the tests where you can see some kind of line, but in reality it is just that you can see the strip of chemicals that react to the HCG. They tend to be grey in color. So, I'm pretty sure I am not looking at an evaporation line, since it is pink.

And now I must deal with this line. The faintest pink line in history.

I'm trying to prepare myself for tomorrow and the next day, and what those pregnancy tests will show. Will the line remain the same, or will it get darker or lighter? Will tomorrow be a happy day, or another nail-biter?

Lookin' good.

Good.

Good. Good, good, good. My temperature went up.

It wasn't the fastest temperature spike ever, but it means I ovulated, and on time. So, now we just want my temperature to stay up... for, like, 9 months. :)

I feel silly now for writing that cutesy, creative entry yesterday.

I was excited, you see. It was the farthest I have gotten in this quest to have a baby.

But, today I there was a hitch. My temperature didn't go up, as it should after I ovulate. I might have ovulated late, or maybe I ovulated and my temperature didn't rise. Whose knows. The nurse swears that I HAD to have ovulated. I would be the first person in history not to ovulate after my protocol. LOL.

Oh well. Let's hope my temperature goes up tomorrow.

It's like after you work out really hard, and your arms are heavy and sore the next day. Every time you feel the dull pain as you grab a coffee cup off the shelf, you think, "Wow, I'm getting stronger."

That's how I feel today.

My IUI, which I had this morning, has left me with a dull cramping in my uterus. It hurts a little bit, but every time I feel a twang of pain, I think, "It's working." It hurts so good! :)

We don't really know what the final count of follicles was... anywhere between 1 and 3. But we do know that Kevin had 26 million washed sperm, with 98% motility! So now we just need ONE of those eggs and ONE of those sperm to hook up... and we're on our way.

We rented a hotel room in Chicago so that we didn't have to drive 2 hours in the morning before the IUI. It also gave us a good place to collect the "specimen."

Then, we hurried to the hospital with the little cup tucked in my bra, to keep it warm. When we got there, we handed it over to the doctor who asked us if we wanted to look at it under the microscope. Of course, we said yes! It was so fun to see the little swimmers. Some were really screwed up, one had its head bent backwards and it was flailing around everywhere, helpless. Others were cute and healthy, slashing quickly and heartily through the liquid under the microscope.

We had to wait an hour for the sperm to be washed, and then we had to wait ANOTHER HOUR to get a room to do the IUI. We were really pissed off, and we sat in the waiting room, sighing impatiently to get the receptionist's attention. The nurse said that the hour wait wouldn't affect the sperm - but I say every minute counts, even if it is already washed. Those suckers die fast, you know?

The IUI part was pretty easy (in fact, I find it hard to believe it cost $650!). The nurse had trouble finding my cervix, which was interesting. She really had to fish around to find it. I wonder how that affects my fertility. Then, after just a few minutes, I had to rest and let the washed sperm swim around.

That's about it. I start progesterone treatments on Thursday.

I've said it before, but I'll say it again: I hope this works!

So today I went in for my Day 9 ultrasound. On Day 6, I had four follies: 7mm, 12 mm, 12 mm and 14 mm. Today, I had 8 mm, 8 mm, 12 mm, 14 mm and 21 mm.

My estradiol was only 199, which concerns me, because I wanted it to be quite a bit higher. The doctor said he was really surprised by my response to the stims, though. He said that the stims really sped me up, and we were lucky I am taking Cetrotide or I'd be ovulating now.

Unfortunately, the FSH treatment seems to speed up my egg production, rather than increase it. Ideally, we want to have a few follicles at a similar size, instead of a dominant follicle. But, I still am making a dominant follicle. That's frustrating.

So, tonight I gave myself my last FSH shot, and another Cetrotide shot, and I'll do my last Cetrotide tomorrow morning. Then, I'll give myself an HCG trigger to tell the eggs to release.

Then - and here is the big news! - I go in for an IUI Monday morning.

Nervous, nervous. I hope it works.

My day 6 ultrasound was okay... four follicles: 7mm, 11 mm, 12 mm and 14 mm. I started Cetrotide and increased FSH to compensate (Cetrotide will cancel out any natural FSH my body produces). Now I'm taking 225 IU per day. It's gettin' up there! My estradiol was 118.

Tomorrow morning I have yet another ultrasound. So, I have to get up at 5 am and drive to Chicago in the morning. It's very fun. Woo. Let's hope we see some good eggs.

So far, I like this cycle. I want to see some better estradiol levels, but otherwise everything is nice. Good number of follicles, growing nicely, good size spacing (there isn't one 14 mm one, and the rest are 7 mm, you see?). That means they have a better chance of maturing together.

Well, I have to go to bed now in order to get up early. I feel tired and sore. My stomach and thigh are still sore from where I injected myself a few hours ago. This infertility stuff sucks.

Good news! My baseline ultrasound couldn't have gone better.

Well, actually, if the technician had said, "Oh my God, I see a baby in here!" then I guess that would have been better. But, unfortunately, that didn't happen.

What did happen was that she said that there were NO cysts (hooray!). There were a handful of antral follicles less than 10 mm - around 3 on the right ovary and maybe 2 on the left. The edometrium was 3.5 mm, which she said is good and very thin.

So, I'm all set to start FSH injections tomorrow! I have another ultrasound on Wednesday, at which point I'll add Cetrotide, and maybe lower the FSH (or raise it) depending on what the follicles do.

This is a great start!